time for a splendid 2009!

as everyone may know by now, 2008 is now a history year to be told and most of us might be still wondering what have we done of this passed year... and i personally have my own ups and downs, but i think my ups is always more than my downs, so i have to say that 2008 has been an awesome year for me.

this year i have did a few things that i can't imagine that i would do it. i changed my hair style after 5 years, finally conquered my fear of microphones, performed after stopped for a few years, have more confidence with my body, love my family more, taken things with positive attitude, toured around Malaysia with some really talented bunch, meeting new talented-honest-lovely individuals, actually listen before making decisions, finally making my family (mainly my dad) proud of me, learning new stuff, be more patient, making my dreams come true one step at a time, use less plastic bags, care more on the inviroments, feelng good about myself, support local music, love my country more, took out my braces, financially stable to shop around (-_-) and alot more that i could never think of!

well.... as usual, early in every year, we have our own 'to-do' list just to see what did we accomplished by the end of the years right? i have my own little list i think.. :P when i looked back what i did in 2008, i have accomplished most of my goals and for that, i so pleased of myself. i feel good of myself.

and yet...in all my ups, there's also some downs that had happened which one of it includes losing a dear friend, missing a few gigs and of course the ever so famous 'break up'. i should've been kicking and screaming by all this down moments but i didn't, surprisingly i didn't do anything that would hurt myself during this miserable voyage of tragedies. i mean, i would if i wanna but i choose not to just simply because i know, there's always a reason behind it. because of that, i don't complain much about all this to anyone. i rather think positive and continue with my life like what i'm doing right now. :P

i've met many types of people this year and got to learn so much from them. they teach me to Feel, Enjoy, Stay Calm, Happiness, Truth, Believe, Faith and of cause how can i deny LOVE...and for that, i wanna thank everyone for making me a better person. you have indeed touched me in your own individual special ways.

as for year 2009, i just hope that the greatness that's been happening for all this while doesn't end. i love the fact that i can still cope with this enviroment. i wouldn't ask anything else but to be a better person that i can be. we're getting a year older every year and i think that i can still have fun while being a little bit mature at times. because in all 'drama', they are all the ways that God's showing us the real life of good and bad and in the end, we still have the chance to decide who we are, who we were and who we wanna be. i know that life is cruel, and i've fought hard, so hard that inside of me was killing but at the same time i was becoming better. but then again, once you're settle your whole life to the point that you love everything about yourself and others around you, you feel like you're not prepare to let any of the luck or accomplishment to go away just yet, you wanna keep the glory forever. well... like i said before, nothing last forever, everything in life is only 'for now'.

'children keeps growing and river keeps flowing too, i don't know why but somehow or other they do, a hundred million miracles are happening everyday, and those who say they don't agree, are those who did not hear or see'.
so come on people, let's try changing for a start, it doesn't have to be big, just a smile could make such a big impact. let's change one self before we can together make a change to the world. Let's change for the better.

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

did or didn't do in 2008!reminising of a normal person...me!

2008 IS ALMOST OVER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
a wonderful year fly pass us so quickly......i found this questionaire in facebook and tought.. "why not".......

lost a friend?
~ yea... a dear friend indeed.. R.I.P.... al-fatihah...

stayed single almost the whole year?
~ i wished....

had your heart broken?
~ yes

had a stalker?
~ yea....hahahaaa~

done something you've regretted?
~ yes... very much.. but the outcome..not bad la...

lost someone?
~ again...yes.... Al-Fatihah....

dated a co-worker?
~ no

dated your boss' daughter/son?
~ not working, but if it refers to the productions i've done.....then... no..

got fired from your job?
~ no

cut class?
~ guilty....but for some good reasons... :P

were involved in something you'll never forget?
~ ou yes indeed.

visited a different country?
~yes, my family do it every year and this year..... Bali, Indonesia. :)

cooked a gross meal?
~ i've never cooked a gross meal before... that means i'll fail my culinary subjects. :P

lost something important to you?
~ yes. :'( my dearest bestest friend.

got a gift you adore?
~ i cherished every single gift that was given to me.. so yes... :)

tripped over a coffee table?
~ yes...all the time

dyed your hair?
~ yea...highlighted for the first time ever... :D

went to a party?
~yes.. alot...

read a great book?
~ the secret by rhonda Byrne.... it's my favourite book of all time...

saw one of your favourite bands/artists live?
~ i adore all bands so..yes... local bands can be awesome as well.... :)

saw someone famous in person?
~ part of my job is somehow to meet someone famous..

2008: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone?
~ yes

Did you meet anyone special?
~ i met so many amazing individuals...

Do you like someone right now?
~ can't really tell if i'm into that person for his personality or for him..so...i'm not quite sure...

2008: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year?
~ yes!!! and i'm glad i did!

Did you dislike anyone?
~ i don't hate of dislike others. everyone got their own opinions. :D

Did you make any new enemies?
~ well....i hope not...but if i do....im so sorry...

Did you resolve any fights?
~ i don't think i was involve in any fights....

Resolved friends' fights?
~ well.... i tried....

Who was your closest friend?
~ was? well... he passed away on the 10th of October 2008. Al- Fatihah...

Did you grow apart from anyone?
~ as people grows older, they eventually got to know who's their real friends and foes... and we can't always be there for all of them....

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
~ i have no regrets at all because for me.... there's always a reason behind this wonderful friendship that we make... :)

2008: Your BIRTHDAY!
Did you have a cake?
~ nope...but lots of donuts and cupcakes... :D

What did you do for your birthday?
~ well... my friend brought me to see a jazz performance and my family brought me to have steamboat....how could i ask for more.... i feel so blessed.... :)

Did you have a party?
~ not really a party but yea....sure...

Did you get any presents?
~ yes.... i cherish it all.....

If so what was the best thing you got?
~ i got everyone i love to celebrate it with me.... :)

2008: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?
~ everyday is a new day.... i've learned more about the nature, about others and myself... if i said that i've changed...it's for the better.....

Did you dye your hair?
~ told u before.....my first highlight!!!

Did you get your hair cut?
~yes.... quite a few....i even cut my own hair!

Did you change your style?
~ yes... after 5 years!

Were you in school?
~ no...i'm way over that one... i'm just gonna graduate and continue in some other university...

Did you get good grades?
~ yes! an unexpected 4.0 pointer is the best feeling i'ved ever had!

Did you have a job?
~ yes yes yes indeed i have.... which includes waitressing in Luna Bar, pastry chef in Cafe deli and part time singing and dancing because i got paid doing that as well...yay!!! i love my jobs!

Did you drive?
~well....i do have my driver's licence since i was 17... :P

Did anyone close to you give birth?
~ yes... my sister.... to a beautiful baby girl named Anastasia.....

Did you go on any vacations?
~ yes.. with family and tour with my production so it's kindda like a work vacation...i like it... :P

Would you change anything about yourself now?
~ just to be more positive on things and learn to be more patient...

2008: Wrap Up.Is 2008
a good year?
~ yes.... a wonderful splendid year indeed although some unexpected tragedies happened..

Do you think 2009 will top 2008?
~ shall pray for a great one ahead.... :D

I confess that in 2008 I've
~ did some crazy things but i've changed for the better and to be a better person in life...

stayed single for the whole year
~ i wished....

made out in/on a car
~ nope...

kissed in the snow
~ if there's snow in Malaysia..i would love to do it....

celebrated Halloween
~ nope.. stayed in with my family.. :)

kissed in the rain
~ ou wow...that would be romantic too..... maybe one of these days ei? :P

had your heart broken
~ yes..

broke someone else's heart
~ im so sorry if i did...

mooned someone
~ yes.. guilty... :P

went over the minutes on your cell phone
- yes.

had a good relationship with someone
~ a great relationship with my family and friends.... :)

someone questioned your sexual orientation
~ yes...

came out of the closet
~ yes... i was shy.... :P

gotten pregnant
~ no... i'm not that extreme...

have a relationship with someone you'll never forget
~ i'll never forget any of my friends..

done something you've regretted
~ yes.. a few...

kissed under mistletoe
~ i wished! XD

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

physical strenght...

a really truly unexpected question was thrown at me today that actually did made me think for awhile. "do people look at other people appearance before anything else?" my answer was simply.... YES! i know not everyone will agree with me on this and will think that i'm a slecker bitch that judge people by their appearance...but its not true...like i've told you before...i don't judge anyone just by looking at them, i like talking to everyone. but looking at ones appearance is a fact! don't tell me that you don't do that because i know you do.

have you had this experience before? you walk to a shop and browse the stuffs inside that shop and suddenly a sale-assistant of an opposite sex approach you and started asking you questions, first they'll be like, asking what kind of item are you looking for and the next thing you know, he would be asking for your name and where you live and all.... well....sometimes..these things do happen...

if you look nice and pretty and decent and clean, people would have no problem approaching you, but if you're not that pretty looking but decent enough for the crowd, a glance from a far is good enough. for people that does not blessed with proper physical appearance, do you think that you would approach them? if they smell or extremely short or full of pimples or even simply disabled, do you wanna get near them... if you say yes..... YOU'RE A FREAKING LIAR!!! fine, let's think of a scenario where you're on a blind date and you're suppose to meet your blind date outside a certain restaurant at 8pm sharp, because you don't know how your date would look like, both of you promise to carry a rose so you can regconize your partner. so once you reach there around 7.58pm, you decided not to take out your rose to see how your date would look like before you can actually approach him/her. it's now 8pm and there's a taxi stopped infront of you, the door open and the first thing you see is a rose sticking out of the car, then, one by one the legs touch the ground, and when you could finally see the person's appearance, it turns out to be an old, fat, grumpy looking, long messy hair person wearing faded color t-shirt and torn jeans...and surprisingly, that person is holding a rose and was standing outside a restaurant seems to be waiting for someone, and you tell me if you wanna let that person knows that your the date. would you? darn!stop saying you will..because i know for a fact that you won't. it's human nature. i can't read people's minds but i know how everyone would react. i like looking at people's differents reaction, it's so fascinating somehow.

that's why you can see that women always so cusious about their appearance, how they look, how they dress, how they smell or even how they stand. if you're fat, you still have your face to save you, the hair is an asset for all girls to look their best! what i'm trying to say is that no matter how other people say that they don't judge people on their first meet, the first look says it all.

i'm not trying to look down on those people but wat i really mean is that, be confident with yourself, if you think that you're ugly, then you are ugly. stop saying your fat, short....bla bla.... stand tall and be yourself, do the best you can for yourself and trust yourself. stand infront of the mirror and shout "I'M BEAUTIFUL!!" because it is true when they say 'we are beatiful in every single way and words can't bring me down.'

love your body, don't hurt yourself to be someone you're not. you still have someone who loves you no matter what and that's your family and friends. if you think that you're doomed not to have a soulmate because of you're appearance, think again. wherever you are, there's always someone who's missing your laughter, your voice or even your touch.
one more thing, don't be shy to know what you want. if you want that little something, go ahead and reach it. don't stop half way just because you heard from someone that it's taken, go find out yourself. like i said before, 'if God wants you to let go of something, that's because he wants you to have something better'....so go ahead and go get it.... better hurry up before it's too late.

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

a note on Christmas

Dear Santa,

i know you might be busy reading Christmas letters and all so i'm gonna make it quick and short (i hope) to make your life so much easier.

i don't wanna ask for anything this year because this year has been the best year of my life and i've got everything that i've always wanted with my own hard work. i mean, i work hard to get where i am right now and i'm comfortable with myself. i was once a shy young person who thinks that this world is so cruel and evil and just wish that i don't have to spend another day here but as i get older, i found meanings, reasons why i should stay calm and go with the flow on everything i do. along the way, i found joy and happiness, hopes and faith, blessing and wishes, but most of all, i've found love. love doesn't mean that i have found my true love but my true love lies in my family, without them, i don't think i can survive alone in this wonderful place. as you may know, i've always wish for their well being and all, well, they don't always happen when i ask, but i know that love is very near and i know that miracles always do happen when i believe in it.

this year has been a wonderful year for me, i can promise you that i was not naughty...well...maybe a little naughty but not as naughty as i used to be, i'm more calm and always think before my actions. most of my actions this year has been positive and it has bring me to what i've always wanted to be. i love my family, my friends, my feelings and my personal thoughts.

yesterday, a couple of my friends meet up for a chat and i was tagged along for a tarot card reading session and i thought 'why not' so i followed them. there, i found peace and everyone was just so wonderful. while waiting for the real session begin, one of my dear friend who did it before try reading my future, more like, what's gonna happen to me in 3 months time. so she did something to the card and took out 2 cards for my future, the oracles are from Isabella and Isaiah and surprisingly, both of the cards says that i've done my purpose this year and it's about time that something goes my way. a love and passion of desire will come my way and that i'm suppose to find true happiness in 3 months time. so i'll just get my finger crossed la. i hope that the true happiness that i'm gonna find is something i'ved always longed for. :P
well....the real seesion begins and a lady asking my past, presents and future to the healing oracles of angels. she was passing her energy to all the cards and chanting something and asked my name. we sat on the floor and she told me to focus so i did. she then took the cards one by one placing it infront of me, the first is my past and it shows 'retreat', the second card that shows my present is 'music' and the last card for my future shows 'serenity'. by that, i don't think i wanna know what that means because i think i do know a little bit from the past of retreat and the present of music. but the future of serenity? maybe when my friend first read my future in 3 months time that i'll find my true happiness and with that i will eventually get my serenity. yea... maybe that! yay!i'm not hoping for anything to happen within this 3 months but if it does, well, it would be splendid! so i guess anything can happen in this 3 months right? maybe it's today or tomorrow or the day after or end of this year or new year or next month or maybe even the month after. well....i'll just let faith to do that it has to do.

well Santa, what i really wanted to say is that all i want for christmas this year is my true happiness. :) it doesn't have to come in a package or anything but to love and be loved in return is wonderful enough.

thank you Santa, may you have wonderful christmas and have a save journey around the world spreading your joy and happiness to the world and at the same time enjoy the milk and cookies that we leave you infront of the fire place. and if you have any tooth-ache after having all those milk and cookies, well...my mom's a dentist! :P or we can even share some cookies as well!!!i love chocolate chips chocolate cookies just like you!

love,
Shahila Johan
<3

a bakery with a mission...

i just had lunch with my sisters somewhere in ss16. while waiting for my dad to pick us up, me and my sisters came across this one shop bakery and the first thing that caught my eyes was this picture i took! it says that the bakery that never sleeps... so i thought 'hey let's just go in and check it out'...ou...another thing that i saw was this sign... everything here is self-service and we only pay by donation and today's donations goes to the woman organization for under privillaged woman in Malaysia. ou..one more thing is that, they don't beleive in wasting and no take aways. so everything is dined-in.

as we walk in, we saw this rack of books and newspapers... top shelf is the newspaper and the picture that i took is the book section where u can dine in and read for free...most of the books here are those inspirational books like 'heaven is real', 'God is my savior' and there's even some bibles we saw.

the place to make us a cup of drinks. there's quite a few variety of hot drinks that u can make actually. there's 3 types of tea which includes green tea, 3 types of coffee, milo and even hot chocolates.

there's not much variety of food here but it's what you donate that helps and counts. a few types of muffins, rolls and even garlic breads. wha more can they ask for right?

roughly what it looks like from my view where i was seated. :P

the cash register there was just a props there that was never used. next to it was a sandwitches bar which tuna, chicken and egg mayo. there's normal bread to whole grain, you can choose!

the place where everyone can dine.

the good thing that i see in this bakery is that, they are all friendly people and i can assure you that this place is really clean. i have yet to know the name of this bakery because i didn't get the chance to ask any of them.

you can eat whatever you want there and you don't really have to pay but as you may know, it's a charity bakery so every money that you donate is important. it doesn't have to be alot, but just give what ever you think is necessary. today i've donated rm15 and had 2 blueberry muffins and a cup of hot chocolate and i feel happy. i feel like a part of me have done a wonderful thing by helping others.

one more thing about this bakery is that, there's a box where you give your donation, on top of it, there's a note written "yesterday's donation, RM514.55 was collected. thank you". meaning that everyday they will tell how much money that they collected so we don't have to think that the person who work's there takes all the money for themselves right?

i'm really proud of this bakery honestly. this is the first bakery that i see actually can make a different in other people's live mot only by their food, but by their charity and kindness.

i wish i could open my own charity cafe or something, because i heard someone once said that "if you help others, they will help you too in what ever they can".

so why don't we just stop thinking about ourselves for once and help the needy and make the world a better place!

cheers

Shahila Johan

<3>

a coincidence reunion to remember....

it's just like another day to kill...without any plans in the afternoon....waiting for the time to fly by because my dad wants me and my whole family to one of my cousin's son's birthday party. he was only 1 year old. i kept on thinking whether or not i should go because i know that i won't have so much fun.. i'll probably just sit at the corner of the living room with my 2 younger siblings because we don't really know this relative of ours that well... my sister eventually asked me whether i'll be going or not because i think that she might have the same thinking like mine earlier.... i simply answered "i'll go, but i'm only doing it for papa and nt for anyone else". i saw a smile on her face because indeed she had the similar thought that i had.



it was 8.30pm and we were there... a beautiful luxury condo in Bangsar, decorated with colourful ballons inside out. i was walking nervously infront of their door because i know that once i get in, i have to say hi to everyone...including those who i've never met in my entire life... i took a breath, and just walk in. 3 steps walking in just looking down on the floor trying hard not to make eye contact to anyone at all but then suddenly someone called my name with this unique high tone that is so familiar to me and my head just instantly rose up. she was there, seating at the coffee table with a fork on her left hand and a spoon on her right, looking towards me, smiling beautifully at me with those huge sparkled eyes, with hair tied back.



it was her, the person that taught me everything i know about singing and breathing technique and how to read musical notes and all. the person that never fails to force me to do better because she believed in me. she was indeed, my lecturer, Ms. Syafinaz.



when our eyes met, the first thing that came in my head was 'shit!' but i was so happy to see her, so i walked slowly towards her and greet her like a lost student who finally found her favourite lecturer. "how long has it been? how are you? what are you doing now?" are the questions that came out from the mouth... i answered her about everything. "yes, i read the newspaper the other day and saw some article about you, I'm so proud of you right now" is all she said to me....
getting to know that someone you can't pleased to be pleased with yourself is like your buying an ice cream cone with 1 scoop of ice cream but the ice cream gave another scoop for free... that's how i feel. after greeting her, i went and greet the other family members of mine and get on with our own thing.
1hour has past and someone was saying, "let Syafinaz play the piano! and her student can sing!"...i almost choked at my own water. of cause, being a good sport, Syafinaz sat infront of the piano and played two songs, 'smoke get in your eyes' and 'stranger in the night' beautifully...we were all amazed by her soprano voice. and then the moment came, she called me to sing, the first song i sang was 'angel'...i started soft because i was scared that she would judge me like she did with all the contastants in the reality show ONE IN A MILLION, but eventually, she didn't and she even flipped the music book to find another song for me to sing but this time i sang with my sisters, she palyed 'beautiful' and we sang but this time i didn't hesitate at all! yay! and last, she played 'a moment like this' and we sang together. i must say, she is so talented and i'm so proud that she was one of my vocal coach.

let's just say that we both had fun singing and laughing that day. she even agreed to see me perform next year in 'DanSing thru Broadway'. although i don't do much for that show, atleast she can witness the other young talents that's there to strike themselves at the spotlight on stage and i'm sure that this show will amaze her like this show did before. i am so happy that Ms. Farah Sulaiman called to join them in this awesome production.

so until next time. never let your hope dies before you'll never know who you'll meet and sometimes, miracles do happen!

cheers

Shahila Johan

<3

the cronicle!

so... how do u judge a person? is it just judge them by how they look? or even how they dress?or...maybe...who they hang out with? or even worst, by listening to others? it's hard to judge now isnt it? you might don't like that person when u hear lousy stuff about them but when u got to know them yourself, u might feel awful that u judged them wrongly before.... i have to admit i was once like that...i judge before i actually know them but now.... i've change...i really am... i've open my heart and don't judge people on my first meet! we all deserves a second chance don't u think? because a few days ago, i found out that someone who i've just met twice in my entire LIFE called me a liar to his 'ex' girlfriend just because i was on her side on this one... and to tell you the truth, i don't think i said anything about him or even mention about him at all to anyone or even his ex-girlfriend... so how come he would say that about me? well, i guess it's just a thing to get out from his treaky situation by blaming others...but i'm kindda glad that my name was brought out! i mean, well, atleast it shows that he noticed me!hahahaa~ it was thoughtful of him to remember me by two meetings.... im happy! :D or maybe she just mention me to make me hate him more.... i dunno... all i can say is that...i don't hate... i love everyone.... i don't wanna judge anyone.....

my friend once said, "if you're telling the truth, what are u afraid of?".... she's so right on this...i mean, you should be afraid if you lied to someone, because in the end, they'll find out eventually...so why trouble yourself lying? you did a mistake...so what?everyone does that...i do that too! if you think that you can get away from everything, you are so wrong.....eventually.. :)

how can you hate the person who is your friend for a long time just because he is side with the opposition from you? it's not anybody's fault for siding whoever's side right? although we might know who is right and who is wrong, you shouldn't just let go of something you had for a long time... friendship! what i've learned from friendship is that..... no matter how ugly the situation is, or how your friend doesn't help you in your own problems for some reason, it doesn't mean that you should just end your friendship just like that.... it just sound so 5 year olds... we all might have different opinions....we might hate each other's football team, but in the end.....we still live in this place called earth.... and one thing that brings us closer...friendship! tell me, how many times have u fought with your best mates? plenty right? and you guys still make it all up, although it might take some times, you still make up! so never say that he/she's your ex-friend or no longer friends anymore because as you guys get older, you might laugh at yourself or blame yourself for letting go something so precious.... just think about it! :)

if someone is nice, i don't think you should take advantage on him/her because one day, she might crack herself and will never be the nice person she was before...she might looked innocent, nerdy and virgin mary type but deep down...i think she's more than that......she can be fun to be with or make fun to but...everyone got their own feelings right? we all do.....so whats the fun of hurting other people's feeling? you tell me? it might be just for laugh at first, but when you get carried away, i don't think it's a laughing matter anymore.... one phrase i found 'One question haunts and hurts,too much to mention:Was I really seeking good or just seeking attention?Is that all good deeds are, when looked at with an ice-cold eye?If that's all good deeds are, maybe that's the reason why...I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again, ever again!No good deed will I do again!' i know it's kindda harsh but it's true isn't it? well...it's just my opinion anyways...... feel free to speak your mind!

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

another birthday went by...

it's kindda weird because i thought it was yesterday that i celebrated my 21st birthday with my family and friends and with just a blink, another year went by and i'm 22 on the 3rd of December 2008.... time flies so fast that i'm worried i didn't do my best during my 21 years of birth and now adding one more year of wasted days of my life....but then again, i realise, i did do some remarkable things during my life on earth of these 21 years..... although it might not effect anyone in any ways, but it has thought me alot on being a better human being in the future. and i am...trying and still learning to be a good citizen that can actually make a different in this world...maybe one of these day i can...

well....like every other birthdays....there's always a cute birthday speech right?so yea...i think i wanna make a speeach la...not a long one....just a simple thank u speech...
first and foremost, bismillahirahmannirahim, my family.... my dad, Mr. Johan Ariffin b. Zainal Abiddin for believing in me and letting me persue my dreams and never gave up on me on my toughest time in my life...i love u dearly and yes, u are my true hero and idol....no one can replace my dad.... my mom, Pn. Zainah bt. Mohd Zain, for bringing me into this world and sharing everything u know about life with me and teaching me to be a better person and to be nice with everyone around me.... i love u mama.....i shall always be with u..... my step parents Dr. Noorliza Ibrahim and Captain Abbas, thank u for making both of my parents happy and being there for them when they are in need....and thank u for accepting me as ur own child and love me and my sisters as ur owns...i appreciate it really..... to my sisters, step-sisters and step-brother, Fathiha, Johanna, Lisa, Juliana, Zelda, Azman, Alyssa, Mariam and Haya.....thanks for being there as a family would and the bond that brings us closer.... to all my other family members (grandparents, uncles, aunties and cousins)....we're still a family no matter what....
my teachers, lecturers and mentors....thank u for teaching me how to do my best in everything i do and never gave up on me and my studies although i ever listen much in class... XP
to all my wonderful friends.....thank u for being there for me all the time....killing my boredom...helping me with my work and studies.... being a good ear and shoulder to cry on....the fun times we had spent together....it'll be in my heart forever......i'll cherish it forever.....i would mention the names of all my friends one by one but that mean's my speech gonna be like...forever.....so to all my friends (u know who u are)....i LOVE all of u..u guys are special in ur own ways....everyone is such a wonderful individuals.

ou wow!that's like...the shortest speech ever...heheheee~

well.....done with the thank u speech...now is for the wishing list... XP .... yea...i know its unnecessary but then again..this is the only time that i can make it right?hehehhee~
ok..my wish list....
1) that my family bond will never be broken...i love my family too much...
2) that our friendship all forever no matter no long that we've not met....
3) that human stop polluting and start make a different in this world...say no to plastic bag, do not litter, use less electricity, stop illegal lodging and all the other stuff that can harm the world that we live in.
4) stop child abuse....they didn't ask to be born, so why should they learn of war or pain?
5) stop domestic violent...did love started before domestic?why can we just keep the love that we had?
6) stop animal abuse...no matter what it is...animals are also living creatures that lives here on earth...
7) make love..not war...lets just make this world a better place for the next generation...one step at a time...be a hero....
8) for my friends to stop smoking....just for a day atleast...on my birthday maybe?
9) just being with family and friends is enough for me on my birthday...
10) fine...i wish for a new digital camera, baskin robin's ice cream cake, a big bag of M&Ms, a SUB jaket i saw in One Utama, pizzas, dresses and shoes...hehehee~ ou one more wish...i need a boyfriend....hahhahaa~kidding.... :P

anyways..... sorry for blabbering on stuff...:P i mean...i dunno what else to type anymore...just that erm....as we grow older...everything has to be change to suit with the upcoming lifestyle....if we can just make a different, a good different, i reckon we can make this world a better place for everyone.....

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

friends and foes

what happen when two of ur closes friends doesn't agree with each other? who do u choose to side with? the one u know earlier or someone who u think u know better? when this happen and u do have to choose one of them, it makes ur life hard and finally both of them won't talk to u and all... it freaks me out when that happen coz whatever u do, u still need them in ur life right?

not matter how bad the situation is, u would still want to tbe the person that make peace for them and be a team again. it's hard isn't it?to think that they are not grown up and think wisely on what actions they've made. i'm not saying that they are grown up or anything..i mean, i'm still growing up and make alot of mistake myself, but all i think is that..... what i meant to say is that instead of fighting, can't we just talk it over? i know there will be some arguement and all but in the end, u'll eventually hug each other and just forgive each other. i know it's easy to forgive rather than forgetting but when time passes by, u'll forget it anyway. somehow, i got that alot...

to think that i can be a peace maker is not really an option coz both will come running to u when they needed someone and u'll try to make the best out of urself and be a friend to them and hope that one day they'll do the same thing for u.....well i hope that they can still remember it..hehehee~

i've learned not to hate, because i used to hate everything and i've forgotten the most important thing in life...which is....LOVE! so people, just love, and u will be loved. i love that feeling of being loved, it might be hard to find at first, but onceu got it, u'll never wanna let go of that feeling. so be nice to everyone, that includes those who's not really that close to u. because to me, it's easier to be nice rather than thinking of ways to destroy some other people's life...
:P

anyways...i can't really think straight right now coz it's 2.10am and i got some stuff bothering me...to think about my future and past mistakes.....i don't wanna make the same mistake all over again...i did it twice, just hope that the 3rd one's a charm....i hope...i would wait forever to this moment and don't wanna rush things.....im scared but i know i have to face it.. :)
so.........untill next time.......
friends are forever.....
like my friend once said a friend is like the needle of a clock, though we are at the same clock, we are not able to meet, and even if we meet, it'll only be a few second...but somehow,we always stay connected.

GOD is always playing chess with each of us. He make moves in our life and then just sit back to see how we react to the challenges. SO MAKE THE BEST MOVE!

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

to papa with love....

today, as soon as i woke up from my sleep, i had a devastating phone call from my step-mom saying that my dad was admitted in Klang hospital for dengue fever and that he's platelette is as really low... it's only 20..normal people like us, our platelette is the average of 120-200.. so to know that my dad, the only 'man-of-the-house', hero, 'strongest daddy in the world' and family supporter is sick, i break down and cry. i seriously cried my eyes out. not because that i'm having a bad feelings or anything, i just broke down and cried because the man that i know immortal is.....mortal after all...

my dad has always been the hero in my heart, i don't think anyone else can be the hero that he is to me because he's always there, not only for me, but for all of his daughters, no matter how bad the damage is, he's always there to help us pull through. he is the hero of my heart because, i don't think anyone can manage to raise 6 wonderful girls in one house right? he did it without a doubt is he is the man of steel! he raise us to be strong, firm and at the same time gentle to one another.

visited him for awhile during visiting hour, he looked so pale and weak, i makes me wanna cry, but i can't show it infront of him. i have to be strong. before i leave, we shook hands, and then for the 1st time ever, right after i kissed his hand and his cheek, he kissed my cheek back and i feel.... WOW! for the 1st time that i know....he's not the person that would do that but he did it...to me.... i cried....in the car..
:P

when i think about him being in the hospital alone, i just feel like crying again because i just don't like the fact that he's there at all... he's suppose to be the one that worries about he's daughters and do everything he can to cheer us up but now that he's there alone, it makes me scared, for him.... i imagine alot of possible things that might happen in the hospital while he's there but i try not to, i mean, i wanna be there to take care of him, i don't want the nurse to take care of him, that's my job!!!!NOT URS!!! :'(

well, right now, in the house, i have to fully take in charge of every situation because i'm the oldest since my eldest moved out 2 weeks ago and i'm responssible for any damaged caused by any one of my sisters or anything happen to my sisters. i hope i can do it, i know i can, i just need a little bit of guidence.

to papa, get well soon, i'll visit u everyday until u're back at home, i will do everything i can to help u out in the house while u rest at the hospital. i know i'm not a perfect daughter to u all this time and that i've never really care much about this family when i was a teenager, but i promise u, after what happened today, i will not let u down, everything i do that got ur blessings, i will do my best and make u proud. i promise i won't break down and cry after this, i shall be strong and face the challenges that's been thrown at me.
i love u so much papa, i've said this a million times but i'm gonna say it again and i'll never stop saying it with all my heart..... i LOVE u papa...

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

feelings

feeling, what is it with it? i mean, i'm just trying to go o with my life and stop thinking about all this relationships and my sadness of my BESTfriend's death and suddenly so many people starts talking about it all over again and somehow i think i drawn to it as well. i know i shouldn't, but i'm a human being too, i have feelings, i want a person that can show me love, respect me as a woman and show me the real meaning of love. i had that before, i have to say, i was loved, bymy family, friends, my bestfriend (RIP), and that special some one... i had it all, i feel, i felt but now i wanna be numb... i mean...i don't feel like feeling anything at the moment.... it's not that i don't wanna feel anything mind u, it's just that i don't wanna feel the pain that i'm going through, i know everyone will agree with me on that, but then again, who are we to complaint huh?

since we can't complaint, i guess it's best that we make it positive...somehow.... i mean, i have the pain feeling but i got people that's always there for me and i'm really thankful for that... but somehow, i miss my dear bestfriend. i still can't believe that's he's gone, i know, i did try to forget about him but somehow, when my friends talking about their bestfriends, it makes me miss him more and i always cope it in my heart, i feel like crying, i just wanna stop thinking about him, but i can't. i love him too much to let him go while i'm stuck here moping alone. this love that i have for him is more than a bestfriend-family-friends kindda love, but it's more of a would-die-for, winning-the-world-cup, over-the-moon kindda love. the love that can't be found anywhere else, it' true that i would die for him, i would do anything to make him happy. the real love that i don't think i have for my ex-boyfriends. this is much too strong. and i'm afraid because of this, i might not love my future 'soulmate' like i love him.

of coz i don't want that, i wanna feel the love that i had for him, the love that i would make him cherish and i will make him the happiest man alive, i may not be the perfect person thats gonna fulfill every requirement but i know that i have to always respect and love my future 'soulmate' like i've never had. since i've only had 2 boyfriends before this, so i promise myself that on this 3rd one, i shall promise to myself that i will give my all to him and that i will be the best soulmate for him as well.

i don't know if it's gonna be soon or later that i'm gonna go back into this relationship thing, but then again, if that special someone just walk up to me and make me the happiest person in this world, i will cherish it with all my heart like what i've did to everyone that i've ever loved!

Half the world is sleeping,
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their hearts beat
Half just hear them break

I am but a traveler, in most every way
Ask me what you want...to know

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way

When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been.

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where I'll be tomorrow,
I can only guess

Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow,
Forward always forward, I go..

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way

When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been...

Forward, always forward...
Onward, always up...
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way

When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been.

Cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

the term of exploding....

my mood was ok at first today...i mean, i was doing my revision before my exam when my friend told me some stuff that make me just wanna walk up to that certain person and just throw my shoe that him or bitch-slap him or something..but then again i know violence won't solve anything right? i so just try not to think about it and continue with my revision but somehow a little part of it still stuck in my mind... i can control it but i guess my 'bitchy' feeling was conquering my mind.. i can't help it anyway....

i mean, come on, if you got something against me, come and tell me straight la, u don't have to go and get close to my younger sisters and my dad with the reason "trying to get close" to me because i've been "avoiding" u... don't u have any other thing to do? what did i do to make u wanna get close to me so badly? i know that i sure did not cast any spell on anyone or anything......GOD!

everyone can get close to me, but please, don't lie and just be urself... look at all my friends...they're my friends coz they are themselves and not fake.

and no matter how u wanna get close to me by my sisters or my dad, i just wanna tell u that they will be on my side and not yours! although i was once not the best child in the family but atleast i'm trying my best to get close to them and i swear to God if u do anything to harm any of us in any way...any way at all............. i will never let u go until i have my revenge....somehow...anyhow!just to make sure ur life is gonna be a total Hell on earth...

i may good like a goodie goodie girl who alot of people wanna take advantage of....but i can tell u that i can be MORE than that..... i'm not treatening or anything, but i swear that i will do something if u come near me or my family....

it's between me and u...stop harassing my friends as well....

ou snap!!!i think i've lost it....i just wanna get that out of my chest...hehheee~ it's been in me for quite some times already...i think by typing that, i feel a sudden relieve in my mind.... ^_^

im so sorry to everyone who's reading this post.... it's nothing really...i just wanna let it go...

ok..i'm good now......but i wanna write something really random now....

when you found your soulmate, just make sure that the person you're with is actually add the happiness in your life and not sadness and sorrow.....and miserable time.....(you've been through it, you should know)..

if you shed a tear because of that particular person, then you should re-think about him/her on being your soulmate.

this lyric i wrote is about something that happens to me in some part of my life...it's called 'wondered'...

I don't know
If it a lie
So many great words
That I've heard from you
But something is missing
Something that completes the puzzle
The mysteries of my life

Why does it always a reason
That makes me wondered
A reason to live
A lie to make me feel better
Makes me feel alive
Although I am dying inside
When everything seems wrong
It's just isn't right for me
Why should I be clueless?
Never know the truth
You think it might hurt me
The pain of lie hurts more
My heart is bleeding
With the blade of lies in time
Killing me inside out
Forever like a moment
A moment is never forever
The wound might heal soon
Dry out without love and emptiness
No sympathy without crimes
Crying out the pain that once gone
Praying for a second chance
Growing make us wise
And as we go our way
Wonder where the road leads us
Shall hold it in our heart
An eye to keep me straight
Guide me to the grace
A heart to keep me going
To the broken road ahead that's gone
And life will be kind
And our soul will find another soul to love
The faith will keep me safe
The truth will never stop us
From knowing what's right
And by learning to love and forgive
But never forget the things we've been through

Cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

the music of my heart....

well.....exams is so near...and i know i should be studying...and i am...writting this blog is like a stress release for me, i can let anything out, i mean.....im having this really bad sore throat, flu -feverish and cough..but despite all that, i still manage to write something up.

u know the feeling when somebody's writting poem or a song..it makes u wanna write as well....but u just got no inspiration at all???
yea..i got that problem..but then again...one of my dear friend (thanks Joe) told me to just fantasize and just write something..it doesn't have to be reality or anything...but when you dream of something but just have to imagine and everything will come in place...
well, that's what i've been doing and still can't get the idea...so what i did is that i write something that i like most in my life (other than my family and my friends), MUSIC. it's kinda hard but i think i pulled it off somehow...

it might not sound good or anything....i mean...this is my 1st attempt after 3-4 years of not writting (darn i feel old)... so bear in mind that this might not be as good as all those professional writter that's been writting their whole life..i mean, i'm not a writter.... im just a low life chef-in-the-making, freelance performer who needs a job to support my future... :)

ok..so here goes.... the title of my poem-song is called 'the music of my heart'....
yea i know it sounds like N'sync and Gloria Estefan's song from the movie with the same name as well.....darn... ok ok.... move on with the main part of this post.........

The melody of my soul
The song that keeps me away from the dark
The fire that kept me away from cold
The masterpiece and work of art
The lyric that I long to hear
The things that completes before I start
The symphony that calms my fear
That’s the music of my heart

Being so good to hear the song I could hardly stand it
Everything goes like planned and hold that thought while I get candid

Like a beautiful guitar strum the cord of mercy
Breathe life into me, restore my soul completely
I’m out of tune at some parts; I have some string need of mending
I know I can do better, for you can help me sing

Write a tune upon my heart
The instruments will never be apart
I’m captivated and my heart elated
Everything in this world will not be tormented
Every single line’s full of love divine
Write to me like a valentine

With the tune my heart won’t sigh
With the sound my heart won’t cry
With the cord that knows where the road goes
With the words that make your love grows

The song that’s being written
Is all about the journey that I’ve learned
Being truth to yourself and being grateful
For all the things that’s been done and being thankful

And I think it’s telling me it might be you
And that I should just be with you
And listen to the music that’s being played again
The unfamiliar strain from way back when
And while the song still brings that certain glow
And the words still sing of love I know
Every note and every line
It's always been a favourite song of mine

yea..i know it sounds cheesy and all... and it's not like the one i wrote a few years ago but..... i did my best and i hope you like it...

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

Sorry seems to be the hardest word!

we think by saying 'sorry', we can eventually erase the hurt caused to others. and just beacause we say so, it does not mean that the recipient have to accept it right?
right....

also, NOT saying 'sorry' too has become a morm these days, i know of someone who had caused me in a grievious pain through his/her words and action a couple of times. being the straight in your face type, when i confronted him/her, he/she only managed to utter a barely there, 'NOOOOO'.

what was that suppose to mean? perhaps it's 'sorry' in his/her language but i honestly think NOT, i guess sorry seems to be the hardest word to say.

we are quickly to say sorry when we accidentally kick someone's leg or hit an arm or bump into someone in the crowd. then we smile at each other and vaporise into the milling crowd going about our own bussiness. but if a relationship was formed, not to mention friendship, partnership or ancentral, we don't easily forget or forgive. we suffer in silence, sometimes complaining to all how injustice was done upon us.

it was heartening when the newly elected Australian Prime Minister Kein Rudd (yes, i do read the newspaper) made a public apology to the aborigines especially to the Stolen Generation- the families that was broken up by state decree for their children to be assimilated into mainstream society. the deep sense of humanity in acknowledging the unspeakable emotional suffering of the victims all this time.

although such an apology was late in coming, nevertheless, it still brought tears flow freely that day. hearts were touched. one oborigine lady remarked "it took so long for us to hear this, and now it is over. we have to move on with our lives".

beautifully said, indeed. it was admirable to accept the wrongs done and the courage to express remorse.

apologies must come from the very core of our hearts. the word 'sorry' is not so cheap after all.....
;p

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

trying to hide but can't...

have you ever had that feeling of insecurity? i mean, lets face it, i think everyone has atleast have a taste of that feeling and you feel so trap that you just wanna scream or cry or just be somewhere that no one can find you....atleast for a few days. well, i'm having that sort of feelings right now. insecurity is one thing, but lack of confidence just makes me loose hope. i just wanna run away, hide in one place where no one can find me, just to have a peace of mind... but then again, as im writting this, i know most of you who read my post will feel like slapping me or shake me up to make me snap out of it.... so...yea..im sorry im sorry that i gave a negative aura in this blog right now...ok...i shall snap myself..woah! :)

for the 1st time ever, i have to admit that i need my own inspiration, guidance and my own comfort... i know that i have all that through mostly by my family and by my friends, but at times, i wish i could be one myself.. i mean by having my own inspiration, that 'something' that can lift me up to a new beginning, the reason for me to stay awake and make a difference in my life or even inspire others to make a difference in their life. ou how i wish i could do that... but then again, i think i should just take one step at a time.

i noticed that life is about changing, not stick to one thing forever or all the time. but then again, once you found the perfect 'thing' that you're looking for, it's better that you cherish it and never let it go no matter how bad the situation it might be... although some other things might be better than what you have, you should not just let it go for something new, that something new might not be as perfect as you expected, and then you may want back you old thing but somehow it's not there for you anymore. this specific "thing" can be apply to everything you can think of. like your shoes, clothes, pets, relationships and even lifes.

we all have something to be regret of right? i do, i have some unpleasent things to be regret of and i hope that i won't that silly simple mistakes ever again.. life is about exploring what you can in this world, it doesn't have to be something stupid (like what they are doing in 'jackass the movie') or anything but to try something new.. so if you don't think you can dance, go ahead and make a fool of yourself, you'll never know if you're a better dancer that you think you are. some say "don't let other people judge you, let you judge yourself..".. well i say "come on, some things are mend to be judge by others... well.... atleast to give you a piece of mind on what your good at..." and what other way but to let your family (espeacially your parents) to judge you, they will give full support on what you are good at. there's where you'll find out what you're really good at, and then you stick to it.

i know i'm writting craps right now but then again, i have to get some stuff out of my head so i have to write something right?
so just stop thinking about all the stress that you're having and just let it go.... i think i'm feeling better now that it's all over (i hope it's forever). i just wanna think about what i'm about to do later and tomorrow and the day after day and next year and my future.i can't predict my future but right now if i start doing things positively, i think i might just have a better future ahead.

so to everyone else, i love you guys, never let one thing, one thought destroy your whole life and your future... you are so much better than you think you are.... trust me!
:)

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

life goes on.....

i don't understand why a person would condemn him/herself for such small reason... 'relationship'... i mean... i've always thought that in a relationship, it should always add to your happiness and not the other way around right? but then again, i can't believe because of it, they can lose everything, their world, their life and even...their soul... why?
i know you can't describe what it feels like when you're in a relationship (well, i know i can't), you feel over the moon, like your life begins and everything that matters just dissapears and like you dare to take the risk of anything that was given to you. i had that feelings before so i think i might know how every other person in the world would feel....

i mean, i loved, was loved, heartbroken and all but when i think about it again, everytime i have a problem with my ex, i always turned to my friends and family. they may not know much about my and my ex relationship but they always find a way to cheer me up, in what ever way they can, and im really thankful for all that..i really am...

in life, we have to take whatever risks that is thrown at us, but don't think of it as a risk.....think of it like a life experience that everyone has to go through before you find out what's gonna happen with your life... you may have to get hurt in order to learn from your mistake and take what's best for you in the future.

never think that you're life suck UNLESS you don't have a family, friends, a place to stay or the knowledge of anything at all... without that..... yes...you're life sucked big time.... but then again... without all that, you can still make the best out of yourself!

like me, i've always hated myself, i always thought that i was alone in the world, my family doesn't support what i do, i'm not pretty that everyone hates me, i was so dumb that i can't get anything right....and the list goes on......and because of that, i think that's why i had a really terrible childhood and teenage years...but somehow, i snapped out of it already...... i learned to appreciate what i have and thank God for all the lovely people that supported me through out, mainly my family... i never knew all that until i realized it by 'opening' my eyes. and with that.. i love al of them so much.... so just be thankful with what you have....

well, in relationship should be like that as well, thank God for the wonderful person you're with and always find a reason to be with them even though it's anly for awhile, always be considerate and understanding...... when you see your love ones, just go to them and greet him/her with a kiss even before you start a conversation. hold him/her tight and don't let go. never make promises you can't keep and the most important thing is, TRUST your partner because without it... i don't think you can go far.... trust, is the main key of a relationship!

so, if you're not in a relationship, don't get bumped out about it, this is the chance to hang-out with your friends more, be at home with your family more and this is the time that you should do what you've always wanted to do... ^_^

i've wrote this song before in one of my blog entry but i think i should write it down again just to show you guys roughly what to be thankful for.... i know i am..... i wrote it when i was 16 so it's abit un-proper...so bear with me-LAH!
-_-'''

how could i ask for more....

there's nothing like a warm of a summer afternoon
Waking throught he sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
kissing mama's face goodnight and holding daddy's hand

Thank You......how could i ask for more....

running bare foot throught he grass, a little hide-and-go-seek
being so in love you can hardly eat
dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
being bundled beneath the covers, watching rain falls to the ground

Thank You......how could i ask for more....

so many things i've thought would bring me happiness
some dreams that are realities today
such an irony the things that means the most to me
are the memories that i've made along the way

so if there's anything i've learned from this journey i am on
simple truth will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong
coz there are questions without anwers, flames that never dies
heartache we go through are often blessings in disguise

so Thank You.....
Thank You.....How could i ask....for more...

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

a new birth.....a new life...

a new birth.....a birth, meaning giving a new life...today, at 3am, i heard a funny noise at the back of my house..i know i should be sleeping but i had a really fun day so i manage to stay up a little while longer. my sister was shouting "princess is giving birth!!!!".....
i turn off my laptop and ran down through the kitchen door to the back of my house (coz there's where my dad put the cage)... and what i saw for the next 2hours was a miracle + painful experience..well...for the cat atleast..... Princess, the name that my youngest sister gave to her cat was really active and strong and we never thought that it would give birth to 3 wonderful new kittens and i can assure you that this won't be the last of it too... *wink wink*....hehheeee~
i would take some birth giving shoots but it was dark and we don't wanna scare the cat with the camera's flash so we decided not to take any photograph until the next morning...which is today la.........

it's a miracle how birth can give lifes and joy to some but some still have the guts to kill it by doing abortions and stuff... its so unfair because the infants wanna life their lifes too..although they can't think now, they still can feel and experience pain when some people thinks that they don't deserves to live. everyone deserve a chance on living. just for the seck of experience and to feel what it's like living in a place called earth. if we could just stop these cruelty, i think that we might actually live in a perfect world.

the pain that the mothers had during labour and giving birth is the one thing that all men feared. i heard from all mothers that the pain can sometimes be so unbareble that they would want to end their life just to save the baby. by saying that, i just wanna tell everybody to just hug ur mom and say thank you for giving u life so you can experience all life can bring... so what if it sucks sometimes, don't give up because, life do bring miracles sometimes...no..you don't have to look for it...you just need to think positive in life and that everything is going your way...and by doing that, you'll somehow will achive what you want in no time....it happens!!to everyone..so be thankful for what you have....

anyways..what im trying to call out is just..appreciate what you have and don't ever take things for granted...at all..........

cheers

Shahila Johan

<3

at the term of breaking.....

you know how it feel when you were hoping for something really bad but in the end it doesn't come your way? it's either you feel like shouting and cursing or you just feel like seating down at that quiet little corner and just...break down and cry....

well.....i'm feeling that way now. it's not because of anything mind you.... it's just a process of life i guess. i mean, everyone have to have that feeling eventually... like they say, nobody's perfect...not even the Queen herself. but i'm still trying, trying be more mature about life, being more open to others and taking risk when i have the chance.

not everyone had a perfect life...mine isn't all that perfect as well... but i do try and make the best out of everything, somehow.

today was suppose to be the same, i didn't do much today and was planning of my day for tomorrow and when someone suddenly making excuses to avoid something and you know that they are lying, it just somehow pisses you off.... well, i'm trying not to get pissed off... but somehow, my evil feeling is taking over me and i got mad...it's not good..seriously...i don't get mad easily...

so what i did was i meditate and put my thought into something else... i think about all the good things that had happened in my life and the things that are coming my way.

is it just me or i'm 'blapping' about goodie goodie thing? darn!!!sorry...

i just have to say, tackle life with all your skills to overcome each and every hills, if you persist with all your will, you'll enjoy life and it's thrill, so just chill........

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

my secret!heheheeee~

this incident happens alot....and it happens to me too...
i mean, if you're close to someone for a really long time, you somehow would eventually get this feeling like you just wanna spend your lifetime with him and no one else but he just doesn't have the same feeling like what you have. i don't think i could escape from that feeling, i don't want to fall in love with someone who doesn't know me well, that's why i prefer making friends than having a relationship that's more than that.
but this friend of mine passed away, and it's almost a month now and i still can't forget him at all, he's always on my mine, either i'm alone or with my friends, if i suddenly kept quiet, it's just because it somehow remind me of him. but!i'm not sad or anything, i just think about all the funny and crazy stuff that we did together and it's all fine and that's how i still have my smiling face. but also because of this, he may never know how i really feel. but than again.... I'm glad..

I've known you for so long
You are a friend of mine
But is this all we'd ever be?
I've loved you ever since
You are a friend of mine
And babe is this all we ever could be?

You tell me things I've never known
I shown you love you've never shown
But then again, when you cry
I'm always at your side
You tell me 'bout the love you've had
I listen very eagerly
But deep inside you'll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again
I'm glad

I've known you all my life
You are a friend of mine
I know this is how it's gonna be
I've loved you then and I love you still
You're a friend of mine
Now, I know friends are all we ever could be

You tell me things I've never known
I shown you love you've never shown
But then again, when you cry
I'm always at your side
You tell me 'bout the love you've had
I listen very eagerly
But deep inside you'll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again
Then again
Then again
I'm glad

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

workskop in KK, sabah...

once we arrived in Sabah, we were picked up by the lion's club member to have lunch at the garden seafood restaurant....

i have to admit that they treat us (the Broadway Parodies(BPLL) Lagi Lah casts and crews) really really nice.... like we're the VIP that was there to bring them fortune....but i know that they do this because we were their invited guests and we are there to help them to raise fund for the less fortunate childrens all across Sabah and Malaysia if i'm not mistaken and i'm truely honoured to be part of this wonderful event.

Sabah is a really wonderful place to be in...although while we were there, it's been raining non-stop, but what we did there was really a priceless and a new yet great experience for everyone.

right after our lunch, we were brought to our hotel to unload our stuff and then straight to a place we were to conduct a workshop.

The Cast Members of BPLL had the opportunities to share some tips on how to be a performing artist. We conducted a short 2 hours debrief of Acting, Singing & Dancing in the said event which was attended by more than 20 students from various backgrounds.

the students there was so nice and adorable,each of everyone of them have their own talent and we are truely honoured to have conducted the workshop for them.

so we hope that the workshop actually taught them something important, which is not to be shy and stay grounded all the time....

cheers
Shahila Johan

<3

the final trip of 'Broadway parodies lagi lah'.

as many might have know, i like to keep myself busy with everything i can think of so i won't waste any of the time i have and for the past few months, i've been busy rehearsing and performed in KL, Ipoh, Penang and johore and next thursday, i'll be performing with (again) the talented casts of 'Broadway parodies lagi lah!'.

the amazing journey have brougth us together like a whole new big family and i love all of them in their own ways.

well, our last stop is going to be in Sabah.

Day/Date: Saturday 25 October 2008

Matinee Show : 03:00 PM

Evening Show : 08:30 PM

Venue : Universiti Malaysia Sabah's Recital Hall

For tickets please contact

1) Thomas Ho (016-8101787)

2) Dr Kheng (088-267000)

3) SPArKS (088-222939)

4) Margaret Lau (012-8026282)

5) Glenda Liew (016-8307366)BPLL National Tour (Sabah) is proudly sponsored by The Lions Club Kota Kinabalu Sutera

for more information, you can always go to www.broadwayparodieslah.blogspot.com

cheers

shahila

<3

in the loving memory.....

on Friday, 10th October 2008, at 2.40pm, as i was about to get ready to make a sound-check before a full dress rehearsal that's being held in Wawasan Open university for my the show 'Broadway Parodies lagi lah', i got a devestated instant text messege from a friend that's made my heart stopped! for awhile that i feel the world is suddenly spinning so fast that i can't breathe, i dropped everything that i was holding and i suddenly felt lost.....that i don't know what was i doing anymore....i'm lost and trapped, in my own mind.... that just like that, i have officially found out that i've just lost a truest-bestest-loyal-loving friend that i've known forever.

he was Malay-Japanese-Javanise while im the Malay-chinese javanise-dutch....he was born on the same year, same month but not on the same date with me, he was born 5 days after my birth day... and fromt that day on, we do everything together, we talk, laugh, play and even showered together (when we were babies la....)...we even got ourselves sick together so we can skip school together. he is more than a friend to me, he is like a brother, that protected me from bullies (i was a tomboy back then), shelter me from harm, lift me up when i was down and would do anything just to make me smile.... and i promised him that i'd do anything to make him happy... never to see him shed a tear, being with him all the time so he won't be lonely and would even take care of him when he's sick. but now...i still can't believe that he's gone...for good...

'for good'....the song from the musical 'wicked' was our theme song together...he'll always sing Glenda's part and i'm Elphaba.... everytime i hear it now, i can't help myself but to cry alone, because i do really love him, with all my heart, he's the one guy that i'll ever trusted, he is the perfect gentleman, the ideal guy that's every girl's dream..... just spend 5 minutes with him and you'll understand what i mean, his touch is so gentle that it would make your heart sink... he is so loyal and caring that no one can take his place in my heart.

i still can't believe that he left me just like that, without saying goodbye, without letting me tell him how i really feel about him, the feeling that i have will only remain in my heart, for the truth cannot be spoken anymore.

why wasn't i there for him when he was sick??? how can i enjoy my life while he's lying on the hospital bed, coma.... just thinking about me not being there for the last for him is the most sinful thing that anyone has ever committed. i promised him that i'll be there for him no matter what, but i'm on tour for my show and negleted him for a week, and just like that, he's gone from my life forever. i'll never get the chance to see his laugh when he makes his own jokes, i'll never get to take a ride with him anymore and i'll never get the chance to tell him that i love him.

it makes me cry everytime that someone reminds me of him, the song, the shirt, the colors, the food, the drinks, the smile and the laughter. words cannot describe how i feel right now.

but Rieffy bear, i'll never forget you. no matter how hard it has been for us, we've made it through...it's us, only us, we've made our dreams alive. just like the song.... because i knew you, i have been change....for good.....
this is for you...

ELPHABA:
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you -You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
(spoken) For both of us
(sung) Now it's up to you

GLINDA:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let themAnd we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sunLike a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA:
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with meLike a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

GLINDA:
Because I knew you
BOTH:
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA:
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
GLINDA:
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

BOTH:
And none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA (ELPHABA):
Like a comet pulled (Like a ship blown)From orbit as it (Off it's mooring)Passes a sun, like (By a wind off the) A stream that meets (Sea, like a seed) A boulder, half-way (Dropped by a)Through the wood (Bird in the wood)

BOTH:
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

GLINDA:
And because I knew you
ELPHABA:
Because I knew you

BOTH:
Because I knew you
I have been changed.......
for good.

i don't think its proper to put a picture of him because he's a dear friend to me and i want him to rest in peace.... may your soul is blessed.

LOVE,
Shahila Johan
<3

animals right....

(the kitty is resting in my arms and wouldn't let me go)

it's kinda funny because i thought that i wanted to write about the trip that i had recently or about a death of my dear friend that's been with me ever since we were born but just a few hours ago, i found the most incredible story that i think i can share with everyone... it's about life, love and humanity.....

around 8.30am today, when i reach my college on the way to the class on the third floor, my eyes suddenly struck at something that was so tiny hiding and staring at me, i quickly and quietly walk towards it and i found a kitty... a small little kitten that looks like the kitties i have at home (about 3 weeks old). so when i walk towards it, the kitty suddenly walk towards me as well, and when i sat down next to it, the kitty suddenly jump on to my lap and starts cuddling with me (so manja......) :) but i found out that there's blood around it's ears and nose (which eventually stained my white top, but it's ok.... ;p).i found out later that the kitten has been there for a week and it has been kick and 'wooshed' away before. it was a heartbroken for me honestly, i mean, how can people do that to such innocent creature that God's made to keep us company for some reason. animal got life too, with feelings and the sense of love. Stupid People!

i was alone then, so eventually, no one was there to help me and i can't just walk out of the kitten so i just sat there for awhile with the kitty when finally i saw my friend, he just sat next to me and talk to me without even looking at the injured kitty on my lap, so i just talk to him and showing him and giving hint on helping me but he doesn't even care....

but then Roland (one of my classmate that's been helping me alot) came to the rescue, he found a box and together, we bought some fish and fed the kitten..but then, we have a problem, i got class to attend at 9am and no one will look after the baby kitty and then came Shafiq, he helped abit, by staying with me until i find a place for the kitten but in the end, it was 9.10am and we really have to go so we decided to leave the kitten at the corridor and pray so no one would harm it.

at the end of the class, i think i was the first one to run out to look at the kitten but in the end i only found an empty box with fish bones inside of it. so wherever it is, i hope the kitten is happy and away from all the harms and cruelty that's here among us. Let it live to know how the world is and i hope that everyone can change and just be nice to the animals. STOP ANIMAL CRUELTY!!!!

cheers

Shahila Johan

<3

how could i ask for more....

In life, everyone makes silly mistakes. But in every mistake, there's the good and the bad. I've never knew why, but it seems that in human nature, people always think about the MINOR negative outcomes and never appreciate what's good come to them…..they always thought that life sucks because nothing ever comes their way, but they never really thought about what remarkable things they have done for the past years of their life.

Just because you breakup with somebody, doesn't mean you have to mope around all day,week or even years and let the world sympathize you. and then you think that you're doomed never to have a relationship for all your life….WTF!!!so what if your not in a relationship right now??this is the time when you should STOP moping alone and start working with your life…hang out with your friends…go watch a movie…go read a book…or better yet…go find somebody and stop condemning ur partner for God's sakes..

YES it is true that you need a partner in life…but when you think about it (if ur under 25)don't you think that your still young??aren't young people suppose to feel nothing but free, young and happy??and not stress, confused and crappy???

For me..i have been through all that despite dat I m only 22(well almost..atleast its December..)….i have been through sorrows and even blists…I've been through the happiest days of my life to the worst day of my life…I've tried not to be myself just to pleased others …I've been crushed like a rock by the person whom I thought was 'THE ONE'…I've always thought that everyne (including my family, sorry...) hated me and is trying to put me down…lots of people I trusted had backstab me a lot….been teased at because of my physical size……being lonely all the time….the list could go on forever!!!!but I should stop…hehe…

Well..anyways…when I think about it again…I forgot all the wonderful things I've done too…I've scored in my exams…I was lucky to win some sports medals… someone likes me..someone loved me…I've been in love before that I couldn't breath….I've conquered mount santubung….i have a wonderful family who has been supporting me through out my days and still is…my true friends who's always there when I need them…music that eases my my pain….performed infront of atleast 10,000 audiences before and proud of it…..got to perform infront of our King and PM…got some insparations to write my own songs…..lucky to still have money in the bank…hehe…..lucky the have touched some people hearts (in a way..)….lucky 2 have YOU to read my blog…hehe….just to think about it again….i have a lot more to be thankful about…don't you think so too?????

All I wanted say is that, instead of thinking 'what a lousy day I had'…why don't you think about 'today, I met a cute guy'…or 'thank gosh I passed my exams'….or even 'YES!!!i've lost 2 kgs'….when you think about it…the SECRET not to think ur life sucks is simply wake up with a smile and think about one wonderful thing that you'er gonna do today..it doesn't have to be big… u can start with…'today…I should change my hair style..' or 'today…maybe I should say hello to the cute guy..(wink* wink*)'…or 'today, I'm not gonna stop think about my weight for awhile and eat as much as I want'….

I have wrote so many poetry and songs lyrics and it has helped me relax all the time…ITS TRUE!! and I've tried writing it in BM but I can't seem to do it well…or I'll write something really odd…so I guess I should just stick to english for now..but that doesn't mean that I will not write in BM in the future…I've promised myself somehow I will try..hehe…just..not so soon la….In da mean time….i leave you with somethng I would like to share… read on if u may…hehehe….

There nothing like the warm of a summer afternoon
Waking through the sunlight and being cradled by the moon.
Catching fireflies at night, building castles in the sand
Kissing mama's face goodnight and holding daddy's hand…
Thank you......how could I ask for more…

Running barefoot through the grass, a little hide and go seek
Being so in love you can hardly eat.
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers and watching rain falls to the ground…
Thank you....how could I ask for more…

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today.
Such an irony the things that means the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way…

So if there's anything I've learned from this journey I am on
Simple truth will keep you going, simple love will keep you strong.
There are questions without answers and flames that never dies
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise…
So thank you…how could I ask for more…

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

the journey...

Half the world is sleeping,
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their hearts beat
Half just hear them break
I am but a traveler, in most every way
Ask me what you want...to know

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been.

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where I'll be tomorrow,
I can only guess
Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow,
Forward always forward, I go..

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been...

Forward, always forward...
Onward, always up...
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in,
What a journey it has been

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3