Finish it!!!!!

So, near yet so far
That's how it is,that's how you are
What more can I do? These walls won't let me get through
But if I know you, you will finish what you started
You'll come back to me
I know it's gonna feel like it used to be
So finish what you started
I will wait for you

I know where I stand, a fool for your love
that's what I am,I'm losing control
You're down too deep in my soul
To let you go, won't you finish what u started?

I'm standing here shaking, wondering if you let me in
Don't watch my heart breaking, knowing what we could have been
What more can I do? Your heart just won't let me through
But if I know you
And I think I know you,
And you can really show me if
You finish what you started
You'll come back to me
I know it's gonna feel like it used to be
So finish what you started
I will wait for youI will wait for you

my Worst enemy...

my mother's always trying to tell me
how to be grateful, how to believe
my father's always trying to say
baby you're beautiful in every way
my lover's always got me in his arms
trying to protect me, keep me from harm
so why do i always have to be
my worst, my own worst enemy?
in the shadow, in the greys
in the lonely
there is a place
where we can all hide away
but in the window of the soul
there is nowhere we can go
if we keep running
running from our destiny......

*blush*

is, this love?
feeling restless inside
wanting you
to always be my side
i don't even want you out of my sight
you are in my thought all day and night
i can't get you out of my mind
i'm in love.

can't describe
words are just not enough
can't explain
it all happened so fast
what exactly i'm feeling right now
if this is love, i got to know somehow
just how long this madness will last
cause i'm in love

i'm in love
i'm in love with you
every single day
every single night
every single moment of my life
i want to spend them all with you
i'm in love
i'm in love with you
tell me that you care
tell me please.....
tell me that you feel the same way that i do

<3

happy 1st anniversary Riefy!

i have been waiting for this moment to write this entry, for today was the day that i've lost a dear friend. he is the bestfriend that a friend could ever need. the one that would be there when your legs doesn't touched the floor or when everything around you falls apart. he would just lead me to his open arms and hold me tight. that was all i needed...his arms... RIP Riefy.

it's been a year, since i last hear his voice, the laughter that we had.. that was it for me. i don't need to be in love or be someone i'm not around him. i could go with a granny looks and still get his attention.

tonight, i wanted to write a really long post about everything we had since we where a kid but somehow i think it would hurt me more just reminiscing about it. so instead, i'm gonna write things that happened to me after he is gone.

i was in Penang on tour performing when i heard the news, everything starts spinning around that made me dizzy. i can't think. i was so devastated that i wanted to just go back and cry.

i remember him telling me that it's not too late to find love again after my breakup with my boyfriend of 4 year. He was right. lately, someone actually thinks about me, helped me though my hardest times, i felt loved. maybe he's the one that could guide me though on this place called earth. i mean, maybe Riefy has been my guardian angel all this while that's been helping me through out my days now(although i think u came slightly later ek?lol). i've spent all my life waiting for that second chance and it has finally arrive (i hope)... i want it to be the one (Riefy, if u can hear me right now, is he the one?please give me a sign)... i hope he guide me through again...

i don't wanna cry tonight coz i know he wouldn't like it. he would not want me to cry for him.

Dear Riefy,
a year of your absent in my life have made me a more stronger person, independant in everything that i do.
but i'm still lost, lost in this twisted land that can sometimes be so brutal that i wish i was with you right now.
but i can feel your present, i can feel that you're guiding me to where i should be, what i should become, why i should hold on to whatever that i've been doing.

i don't know just where i'm going,
and tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming,
and the air is cold,
i'm not the same anymore.
i've been running in you direction for to long now,
i've lost my own relection,
an i can't look down,
if your not there to catch me when i fall.

all along, all i ever wanted was to be the light,
when your life was daunting,
but i can't see mine,when i feel as though you're pushing me away,
well who's to blame?
are we making the right choices?
cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
as we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay.

and i still cry,
and i might still bleed,
these thorns in my side,
this heart on my sleeve,
and lightning might strike,
this ground at my feet,
and i might still crash,
but i still believe.

that this is the moment i stand here all alone
with everything i have inside, everything i own
i might be afraid, bbut it's my turn to be brave
if this is the last time before we say goodbye
at least it's the 1st day for the rest of my life
i can't be afraid,
cause it's my turn to be brave.

Love you always,
Shahila Johan

life in a week.....(in speed)

Lost driving licence.

Grandpa passed away.

Skipped rehearsals.

Got into car accident.

Pay for someone's car damaged by me.

Pay for my car damaged. (tow trucks and all)

Went police station to make report of losing driving licence.

Pay more to get licence done.

what a life. End.

begin....

where do i begin my love?
Starting with the things i havent said enough of,
starting with the day you changed my life,
and ending with the way i feel tonight,
where do i begin?

where do i belong when you're not here?
this is beyond my darkest fear,
i don't know where i end or where i start,
each mile in between us is way too far,
where do i begin?

i've always counted all my blessings
knowing you'd defend me
and stand by my side
if only i didn't lose my senses
each time i intended
for these words to come out right

where do i begin my love?
i always read the last page instead of the 1st one,
well there's no need to rush it all in,
i love you and i'll say it again,
where do i begin?
where should we begin?

Glen Ballard

if i told you...

if i told you that i lie sometimes,

if i told you i'd run away,

if i told you who i was before,

would you follow me?

if i told you that i sneak sometimes,

if i told you that i love too much,

if i showed you the other side,

would you follow me?

cause i'm shedding my skin

so you can see my face,

i need you to know who i am.

i'm ready to go where i've never been,

will you stay around and follow me?

late night....

i feel like sneaking out of the house and get caught by my dad and he grounds me for life...
tapi dia percaya dekat aku dan bagi aku kunci rumah.

i feel like sneaking into the kitchen and make a mess while everyone is sleeping...
tapi aku malas nak bukak kunci pintu dapur.

i feel like eating ice cream in the kitchen in the dark...
tapi ice cream tak ada.

i feel like making prank calls in the middle of the night...
tapi handphone dah habis batteri.

i feel like having midnight snacks with my sisters while laughing our heads off reminiscing the past...
tapi adik adik semua dah tidur.

i feel like blasting my stereo as loud as possible...
tapi takut jiran jiran pulak yang bising.

i feel like walking in the park infront of my house with a torchlight...
tapi minggu lepas dengar ada budak kena culik.

i feel like writting poetry and lyrics...
tapi idea dah kering, ilham tak ada.

i feel like cleaning my room...
tapi siapa yang gila nak kemas bilik yang belum dikotorkan.

i feel like singing and practice my vocal range...
tapi aku takut anjing jiran sebelah aku melalak lagi tinggi dari aku.

i feel like calling up someone just to chat the night away...
tapi aku tak nak membazir kredit aku.

i feel like watching a movie in the dark...
tapi semua movie dvd dalam rumah dah tengok.

i feel like sleeping...
tapi tadi aku tengok cerita hantu, sekarang takut nak tidur sorang sorang.

sengal!

complication...

come on people, you really don't have to complicate things. all you really need is..

begining, middle, end.

what's so hard about that? you don't need to turn back or fast forward or complicate things to the worst. you're making it worst for yourself by the way! BUGGERS!

ARGH!

massive hedging.

i just finished watching "Michael Jackson's History World Tour Concert" in 8TV(was changing channel since i got nothing much on with my life right now) a few minutes ago and my hand just started itching for me to blog about it.

from what i've seen and learned from his remarkable concert is that, i've noticed that he ALWAYS compliments other than himself... after each song, i noticed that he would scream "I LOVE YOU" to his wild, screaming fans who always burst into tears for some reason; and through out the concert you will hear a lot of "you're beautiful" or "you're wonderful" and when he hears people screaming "i love you Michael" he would answer back "i love you MORE"... i mean, where other artist would say that? they would just go "i love you TOO"... Michael is so different and i think by doing that, he gain so many fans all across the world and he still is.

the news of his death was devastating, i remember i was sleeping when i dad woke me up just to tell me that Michael Jackson is dead and i just laughed at him because the day before i was checking out his concert tour that was supposed to be on in July. but when i go online and found out it was true, i just ran and try to find my Michael's collections, but i couldn't find it since we shifted our house here, and i just burst into tears. yes!i can't believe myself that the King of Pop would just die without any news before that. the thing that really gets on my nerves is right after his death, everything about him is just 'UP THERE'..everyone started to idolize him, mourn for his death, buy all his albums. where else before his death, you call him wacko jacko!buggers! the news of Michael's death really shocked the whole world doesn't it?

enough about his death, i just wanna blog about what those stupid idiots was thinking when they called Michael Jackson a paedophile for letting little boys sleeping on his bed. i mean, come on la, why do you let your son sleepover at Michael's house if you knew he was a paedophile? be rational you moron! and all the morons that supported that statement of Michael being a paedophile! i know for sure those idiots are just in it for the money. look at him, he got his own neverland for goodness sake.

the reason for him to love the childrens and the boys is SIMPLY because he had a tough childhood and he doesn't want it to happen to any of the kids so he tries to help them by bringing them to his neverland ranch for the sake of making them happy and let them feel loved. he wouldn't have the chance on those kids IF their completely insane parents doesn't let him. so who do you think is the one should really be blame here?

if you really listens to his inspirational songs like 'heal the world', 'man in the mirror', 'earth song', 'the lost children' and 'we are the world' just to name a few, you know that he is trying to reach out to everyone to make a chance, it doesn't have to be big, a tiniest chance can make a big different in the world. most of the songs are about children, so do you really think he wants to sodomise those innocent kids?

think about it!

month of serenity.

kenapa start bulan puasa sahaja, semua orang tiba tiba insaf? tu pun bukan semua orang, ada juga yang tak puasa, curi makan gak, cari port mana mana, suruh kawan kawan cina dorang pergi pergi makanan lepas tu makan besar besaran mana mana port yang kosong. tapi bagi aku la, aku rasa yang tak puasa pun lagi jujur dari orang yang buat muka puasa, lemah sebab nak balik cepat dari kerja, tidur lepas tu bukak puasa. solat boleh pulak terlupa. Lupa solat takpe lagi, yang buat juga benda benda tak senonoh lepas berbuka puasa tu, apa nak jadi dengan orang orang zaman sekarang ni? hipikrit sial! alamak, ter-mencarut pulak tiba tiba dalam bulan Ramadhan ni, minta maaf ah, aku cuba tak mencarut lepas ni, tapi setiap kali aku mencuba, lagi banyak pulak aku mencarut. Pening pulak kepala otak ni. continue la....

sebenarnya aku sendiri pun tak boleh nak comment sangat tentang hal hal ni gak sebab aku pun orang zaman sekarang. aku memang malu la, kalau boleh nak juga aku lari time time mak bapak aku dulu, baik sikit kot, walaupun style hancur tapi atleast dorang tak ada lah nak seganas kita semua ni. tapi fikir fikir balik, zaman dulu dengan zaman sekarang ni pun sama sahaja la. ada juga orang yang tak puasa, tak sembahyang, tak menunaikan perintah Allah. Maksiat merata rata. aku pun tahu aku ni bukan baik mana tapi atleast aku tahu juga baik buruk dunia ni, i mean, kitorang ni semua menumpang sahaja dalam dunia ni, nanti dah mati nanti tahu ke nak pergi mana? faham faham lah sendiri.

lagi satu ni, kenapa bulan puasa ni semua orang macam makin malas ek? tahu lah letih tak dapat makan lunch tapi sampai nak buat muka expired setiap kali boss suruh tolong buat kerja tu nak buat apa? nak pahala tapi niat tak ada. suruh pergi senmbahyang terawih ada pulak alasan ada hal kena keluar, balik balik terjumpa tengah lepak kat mamak mamak mengumpat pasal Mak Bedah sebelah rumah or budak gampang yang langgar kereta kau bila nak balik berbuka tadi lepas tu nak plan pergi attack budak tu. tak ke kena tarik balik pahal puasa engkau tu? bodoh!

aku rasa lepas aku habis tulis blog ni, pahala aku pun tinggal separuh sebab banyak pulak aku mencarut. so daripada aku mencarut lagi pasal orang orang tak guna, baik aku pergi jaga anak adik aku tu lepas tu masak untuk keluarga. 1st day of puasa, makan la dengan family semua k? tak payah nak lepak jumpa kawan kawan, kalau nak jumpa juga, jom, jumpa dekat masjid bila nak sembahyang terawih. Masjid Al-falak dekat USJ9 tu besar, pergi penuh kan. aku pergi juga la.

=D

the encounter...(part 2)

first expression......

~U PERV!!!! (great, another catastrophe...)

after i got to talk to you personally.......

~interesting conversation; should get together again just to talk about stuff...(but then, i don't have his number or any way to contact him anymore....)

so in the end.....life goes on.....

SHOOT!

backup session.

Dilemma: I just see things differently, that's all. Grew up that way, don't think I'll be changing anytime soon. :P Even if I told you, you won't understand haha. xD
Brothers can have their moments too. =)
I'll try to smile k. Pretend s...mile at least. Don't want everybody around me to be affected haha. :D

Solution: As u can see, everyone see things differently, i guess that what makes us different and unique in the 1st place. but i can tell you that you should always, i do really mean always look at the bright side of life. everything in life is a blessing in disguise, but you wouldn't know it until you appriciate it. i've learned that lessons for sure.

i grew up differently too, and i don't think i can change anytime soon too but i guess i slowly adapt to whatever so i can slowly understand what other people are going through. i mean, come on, look at me, i'm 23 and i'm still single, because of that, people thinks that i'm a lesbian. what can i say?people talk..... but at the bright side, when they talk about me, it means that they are thinking about me... idiots... =P

sometimes, it's ok to have someone to talk to. i know i wouldn't understand everything that you're trying to tell me but isn't it good to atleast have someone to talk to instead of keeping it to yourself? well, i guess it's also a matter of trust, i may not the person you can talk to but you can always try telling somebody about it. anyone that you can actually trust and by doing that you will feel so much better.

of course brothers have their moments. sisters have theirs too... but do you know that once in a while, it's ok to talk to your sister about your personal life because it's relates to them in some way, although they are the different gender but they know how you feel and together you can learn more about each other.

fact, do you know that by 'pretending' to smile, it'll automatically loosen you face nerves and that makes you less stress slowly? so yea, pretend to smile all the time if you may...it'll make you feel better and at the same time, it'll make other people feel better too.

so think about it, love heals, when you feel like you can't go on, hold on to love and it'll keep you strong. if there's something that i've learned from this journey i am on, simple truth will keep you going and simple love will keep you strong because there are questions without answers you'll never get what you want all the time... that's why there is patience...

cheers

Mak kata tak baik main dalam rumah....

Dear Kak Zaza,

i know it's been awhile(4 months maybe?), but i havent got the chance to really congrats you on your wedding day.. i mean, i know i did but yea...congrats again. it's good to see you wearing tudung (or hijab,whatever you call it) and tutup aurat, kira macam isteri solehah la ek? sejuk hati semua orang melihat seorang perempuan yang proper seperti akak sekarang ni, tapi adik ada satu je masalah ah kak...

kalau orang pakai tudung, tutup aurat, yang tutup segala galanya, tapi tak reti nak tutup mulut yang (dipanggil orang) 'lazer' tu, macam mana dorang boleh cakap yang dorang tu closer to God? i mean, no offence la kak, akak memang lawa la sekarang dengan seri tudung tu tapi mulut akak tu tetap (orang orang tua cakap) kurang ajar. setahu adik la kan, mengumpat dan memburuk kan orang lain physically or spiritually itu lagi teruk dosa nya dari menutup aurat, so what's the point of akak nak tutup aurat if mulut akak tu masih ter'buka'?

i know i'm not the most religeous person.....no wait, to tell you the truth,i'm not that religeous, i don't know much about religion, faith, beliefs and semua benda tu sangat la sebab adik tak dididik dari kecil on all these stuff..tu pun sebab adik punya keluarga lebih kepada my chinese roots..... jawi pun adik susah nak baca, hafal tu senang la. tapi adik belajar sendiri kak, adik dengan muka tebal pergi beli buku yassin, buku sembahyang dan buku buku lain yang sudah terjemah dalam bahasa rumi and then i go home, i would learn it myself. walaupun adik punya dressing memang boleh buat orang tua bunuh diri tapi adik masih sembahyang, puasa and baca yassin bila bila adik ada masa.adik tak minum, hisap rokok and buat benda bukan bukan yang adalah larangan, adik try not to mengumpat so much, so my favourite past time is just exchanging ideas and talk about teather, music or how to improve our corrupted minds... but adik tahu yang adik pun bukan baik mana pun, kalau adik pakai tudung sekarang, adik boleh gelar diri sendiri hypokrit.

kakak perasan tak sebenarnya negara kita ni pun dah corrupted dah pun, ahli ahli politik pun sama sahaja. so dari kita fikirkan and condamn our own country, why don't we just move on with our life and see where we can go from here...

akak pun dah ada family to take care of, so adik rasa baik akak lupakan hal hal mengumpat belakang orang lepas tu buat muka poker face akak tu, baik akak tumpukan lebih perhatian on your new family.

adik sentiasa mendoakan kebahagiaan akak dan abang Mail.

Love,
Adik mu yang terSENTAP!

lost contact.....

boy: wei! ko ingat aku lagi tak???

*thinking blindly* *snap*

girl: Highschool????ingat ah.....dulu kita sama sama tembam!!! skang da hensem!

boy: hahahaha..ko pun dah mengancam skarang.....makin cantik siot.......ingat tak kite selalu gaduh hehehehehe.........

*laughing*

girl: gadoh satu hal....sampai nak bunuh plak tu!!!!hahhaaaa~ko tinggal mane sekarang?buat apa sekarang?

boy: aku still tinggal tempat lama kat Puchong.....aku belajar lagi...hebat ah ko..tak sangka boleh jadi pelakon pulak......dengan muke innocent dulu......tudung ala2 labuh sikit...hehehehe...bila ingat balik cute ah ko dulu.....hehehehe...tapi sekarang dah gorgeous....camane boleh kurus ni.....pergi slimworld per.............

girl: siot!!!!aku sakit ah dulu...ulser dalam perut!!!!sebab makan banyak sangat....hahhaaa~belajar apa dekat sana??innocent kepala hotak ko la...dulu selalu gaduh nak innocent ape ke bende ni???huhuhuuu~ko pulak?kenapa tiba tiba hensem?ko buat plastik surgery ek? =P

boy: hehehehe...sekarang tak nak gaduh ah...nak ngurat lak...hahahahaha....tu ah makan banyak sangat..tapi takpe ada hikmahnya...aku belajar microbiology..hehehe..mana ada duit nak wat plastic surgery...aku memang hensem dari dulu lagi...ko je yang tak sedar....hehehehehe....tak ah...aku kurang makan bila sekolah dah habis dulu......hehehehehe....kelakar ah dulu waktu sekolah dulu..tak leh ingat dah....

*paused*

girl: tu ah pasal.....gila nak ngorat!nak kena penampar????huhuhuuuu~

end*

moral of the story........no wonder she doesn't have a boyfriend...... -_-'''

the beginning of an end...

has it been a week yet? no... baru 2 hari la..... 2 days ago was the final show of Kaki Blue the Musical in KLPac and i'm already missing all the full night rehearsals and performance. again, a new enviroment with another batch of new casts for me to minggle with. as asual, they are so talented in their own way. each and everyone of them has their own unique talent that i find it amazing. it's surprising to see alot of talents out there nowadays and all they really needed was a chance to prove to the world that they can do it too.

it was like yesterday i got an email from the producer saying "sorry to inform you that we have no part for you in this musical, hope to have you in our future productions" but then 2 days before the rehearsal i got an sms from her again saying "would you like to be in the cast of Kaki Blue the Musical?"(apa masalah dia pun tak tahu lah..), so ODVIOUSLY i said yes.. tak kan nak reject kot!

new casts, old casts are there in the cast so i don't feel like an outcast (wow)... the people that i know but never work with was there too...so you can see how amazing a production can be that we can get along very well.....

in these 14 weeks that we've been together, almost everynight nak tak nak kena gak tempoh muka semua orang, but i had fun, lots of fun.. got to learn new things everyday. the gatherings was awesome, alot of nitendo wii and watching youtube in that huge big screen that made me high. playing a psyco villian was great, got people actually boo-ed me meaning i did a great job la kot.

i always asked most people that i know who came to the show on what they think about the show but most of the answer would always be "hey, you got a good voice" or "that was you? omg!what a trasformation" (-_-)''' (apa malasah ko ni?pakai tudung pun transformation ke?) or "i love the second half better because of the song" or "1st half very funny..i loved it" or even better "it was great!"
and of course i also got some really honest answers.... i appriciate it dearly. honesty is STILL what makes me drown to. i love people who can give straight answer sebab i would just tell them how i feel about it as well....kan best dapat tukar pandangan...

not to forget that one night where we have to stay on stage after our performance because the the Deputy Minister of Defence wanna give a speech but ended up shaking everyone's hand while all of the audience had that awkward should-i-leave-now face.. jangan risau ah..we on stage pun feel the same way!

as usual, having post-production blues is horrible but once i'm done, i gotta start doing what i want to do for a long time... opening my own food bank. still thinking of how and where to start but shall get to it soon!

to all the Kaki Blue casts, technical and production team, thank you so much for the wonderful spirit that was shared during our times together and the vibe that keep us going. keep it alive people!

~sing for your supper~

the encounter...

hand tingling,

face blushing,

head reeling,

heart beating,

pulse rushing,

that's what i feel when i see u.

end.

in another life time....

i came across my super old lyric i wrote (but i can't remember how the melody goes...tsk tsk...).... back when i was young and full of love to this certain someone special whom i thought was the only thing that kept me alive.... but eventually it came to an end and suprisingly im still alive and doing fine... of coz, he'll remain in my memory forever....being bestfriend with someone you love is hard.... i'm more grateful with what i have now and so far, i don't have any regret on what i've done....RIP my friend.....

anyway, i thought of sharing what i've wrote a long time ago....just for the sake of remembering the melody of how the song goes...if i can't remember, i shall just make a new melody! =D

the day when you were mine

nothing else was really matter

everything to me was fine

when we could both have each other

in all the things

i could have seen

i imagine a place

where we could have been

if we could be together

for a hundred years

then atleast i know

that you're still be here

in another life time

it would be forever

i know by then

that we can be together

when i wake up

you will still be here

and you'll be there

to shelter my fears

i could hold on forever

just to see your eyes

i would take aother chance

to see you smile

in a memory

for all the things that we had

and the first time

when our eyes met..

in another world

that we could live together

our heart would beat

and we are so much closer

i know our life is matter

in another life

we can live together

in a place with no lies

but right now

i have to stay strong and true

there are lots of memories

to think of you

i know one day we will meet again

at a place and time

and you'll be standing there

waiting for me

in another life....

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

<3

its so hard, to let it go...

i've been a fool but now i know...

don't be afraid, just trust yourself...

one day you'll realize it's always been there...

let's run away, just for awhile...

to clear the mind, i would walk for miles....

just close your eyes, listen to the sound...

just hear the heart beats that's beating inside...

look in my eyes, what do you see?

cause that's what means the most to me...

touch my soul, don't let it go...

i want the feeling i know i can hold....

believe in love, cause it can heal...

the pain inside when your heart reels..

give me your love, and i'll give you mine..

because together i know our love will bind...

show me love, show me the sign...
so i can keep your heart in mine...

let's show to world, that love won't die...

love's the one thing that keep us alive...

the sun will rise and it will shine

the cloud will be clear and it'll be bright

let's share the joy and give what you can

for all of this will last forever in our heart

it'll remain there for internity

lit a candle, it'll bright the dark....

so you won't be lost and find your way..

with the strenght, it'll keep you strong...

your faith will lead you to where you belong....

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

<3

the sign....

i know tears will fall down from your face

when there's something you can't replace

when you have that hope that goes to waste

but you will learn from that mistakes

you can feel the rush that chills your bones

the bones that are sinking like stones

when you know something you cannot own

trying hard just to find that sacred stone

forget the heart ache or the heavy heart

there are laughter you just have to play a part

nothing in the world could be that hard

nothing in the world you can easily tear apart

most of us are always scared

we can be tired and unprepared

that everything could just shattered

when it is the most mattered

remember that life is for living

everything is not lost so just sing!

just fly away with those wings

just let out all of those wonderful feelings

where do we go to draw the line

your guess is as good as mine

i know somehow that we will find

God put a smile where there's a sign

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

<3

Keep searching...

i know what i'm looking for

say the words i've never said before

i wanna break away from this chain

coz i don't wanna feel this way again

it's like an endless road

where the searching never end

it's like a river flow

to where i don't know

i keep searching for the answers

the thought of having happiness

i'll be counting all the miles

until finally.....i see u smile.....

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan@yahoo.com

<3

can love heal?

tears are words that heart cannot express

but every tears that flows is always a bless

love comes and heals the wounded heart

it will guide you to what lies ahead

i've been there, had my heart broken

the memories that i thought had made me fallen

it heals but it doesn't seem like it

because right now, love is all i need

every song in the radio brings me back home

i know coz that's where i come from

why does saying goodbye hurt so much?

maybe it's because i love you that much.

i just wanna live and learn

everything that i light and i can burn

coz i know that love will heal
when there's nothing else that you can feel

love heals when it's too much to bare

like when you reach out but nothing's there

love can carry you home

love will lead you home

there is an end to the storm

a place that can keep your heart warm

hope is power, love will heal

for a love that heal

we are all star dust that shine on

we've been like this since we were born

love is all we need to heal

for love's the only thing that seals

for those who shield their heart

and for those who quit before they start

love heals when the pain is there

when there's no one for you to care

life will go on..you will smile again

WE will smile again!

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

'til we meet again...

how long has the time passed
and i still can't believe you're gone

i really should miss you but i can't let you go

i look at your photograph all the time

i remember the little things

i remember 'til i cry

how can i ever say goodbye?

i can honestly say that you've been on my mind

since i woke up today

these memories came back to life and i don't mind

but i wished i could forget coz i'm wasting my time

a familiar song was played again today

through my tears i sang along

a song i knew our love from way back when

it used to be the favourite of mine

time had changed and everything is not the same

since you're gone and left me here alone

stopped by your grave today

feeling so empty like my heart had died

i wanted you for life

it hard to understand but i have to try

i never thought that there would come a time

that our story must end

so i just came to say....goodbye love......

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

a love song?

this is a fact that i've known....people only read your blog or listens to your songs IF you put LOVE in it...it seems that no one cares if you don't have a life or happy about something...they just wanna know if you are happy with your love life or how heartbroken you are when you've just lost someone... -_-''' well...it's a fact!

i wanted to write about the moments that i had on everything involving me but somehow it doesn't really work unless i write something about having a crush on someone, or willing to do something for some one or even would die for someone.... so my next blog entry..i shall try to write more on those stuff and see how it goes la... now..i only have one problem...

i don't really feel the love... i mean, it's kindda hard for me to write songs about love.....no, NOT because i am single..and no, NOT because i've never been in a relationship before...i had 2 failed relationship.....it's just that..i lost someone so dearly to me October last year and the feeling of love is just hard to think of. although he was my bestest best friend, the love i had for him is more than the love that i had for my (guilty) boyfriends... the relationship that we had was not the same... the love that we had...i know that we can never be together but i kept hoping everyday of my life that someday he would actually......love me in return.....not as a best friend..but as his soulmate.... but now, i know that it WILL never be.... for he is now standing among the angels in the sky, maybe smiling down at me......or he could be my guardian angel that's been guiding me through......wherever he is..i know that he is happy.....

SNAP!!!!

woah....so yea..i shall TRY my best to start writting love songs or something.....

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

just a voice

that one voice is conquering the night

singing through the darkness

it's reaching out for the light

clearing up the minds of the innocence

the voice speaking of words

that one day chould change the world

the voice would start on it's own

heart knows what to say
it'll make you dream 'till you found your way

there is an amazing strenght

with a million prayers

some are the victories that we've never planned

there's always a voice of an angel

shines the light upon your soul

a simple joy that life could bring

it's always the one with the courage
will teach you all you needed to know

it's the voice of reasons for you way

that voice will never be alone

it'll face all the unknown

that one voice will be heard

and it will awaken the music

and forever it will SING!

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan

<3

papa.........

something happened that made me realized today

papa has been holding it too long

he's always trying to make us happy

that he forgot about himself some times

he always kept quiet

giving us food and shelter

giving us love and peace

giving us everything we could ever wanted

all he ask from us is just simply...

make him proud.

i know i'm not always there for you lately.

im always out when you're around

and i'm always home when you're gone.

they told me that you walked for miles today

just to take out some cash because there's none on you

and the ATM was far away

but you didn't mind because you knew it's your job

and i wasn't there to help you

because i was selfish and spent time with my friends

i should've been there for you

i should be the one who walk the miles for you

i should be the one that's taking care of you

i'm so sorry for not being there

i regret staying out too long

i always wanted to make you proud papa

but eventually i think i've let you down

i cried today just to think of you

i wish there is something i could do

just to turn back time and make it better

but i know it's too late but there's tomorrow

i shall not let you down and i'll let you see

papa, i love you with all my heart

thank you for taking care of me all this while

now it's my turn to be the one

to take care of you and make you proud of me!
i love you papa!!!

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

colours...

you can't just judge me with just one glance

just because my colour is brown

it doesn't define who i am

this is not the only colour you will see

so why should you judge me by my colour?

colour is skin deep

to love me is to know me

so please don't judge me because of this

without colours, there's no harmony

just like without melody, there's no music
without a soul, it'll be cold

just like without parents, there won't be you

being in a mixed parentage has tought me alot

although i might not have the same colour

but i know more than you'll ever learn

just like how i know you've been judging me

i don't need to be call names because of my colour

because one day it might just be you

i may be white, i may be black

i am both colours in between

i can be a hero, i can be a loser

i am yearning for a name

i am hymn, i am heard

i am reasons without ryhmes

i am no one yet i am many

i am seasoned by each being

i am a student, i am a leader

i am fate and evolution

so do what you want

say what you can...

words can't slow me down

from doing what is meant for me...

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

<3

numb...

a sudden silence came to me

i wanted to just scream and shout,but nothing

nothing came out although i tried so hard

my heart moves so fast i just wanna stop it

im disappearing slowly i can see it fading

i feel nothing i my hand though i tried to touch

everything in my mind is colliding

it moves so fast it's creating chaotic

what's coming over me that i have no control?

i can't hear myself saying just breathe

my feet can't seem to find the ground

shiver cold i stand alone

my head is spinning, think im losing it

my senses gone, i've lost my way

lost in this maze of numb again

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

<3

secret (hush!)

the first time our eyes meet, my heart started pounding

the blood from my body started rushing

i'm not aware of my surrounding

everything around me started fading

my friend came to me and introduced you to me

i know you're something speacial when you spoke my name

i kept cool and shake your hand

i tried to be normal but i just can't

so we talked across the table

with a glance and maybe a smile

i feel like i've known you from another life

i can feel the connection when you looked into my eyes

but...

someone like you probably have someone loving you

and in my heart i know...

you got someone in your heart too....

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

<3

we had that....moment...

this is dedicated to the person i love with all my heart.

my Rieffy bear... you were my longest friend that i knew and because of that you became my BEST friend...and because of that, we have sworn never like each other at all, but guess what..i fell for you... and i still do. i've been trying to cope with everything without you but i can't seem to do it anymore. i wear a mask everytime i'm infront of everyone. i laughed with them, i wanna share all the good time i had with you, but i can't now. rest in Peace my brother. the one that i'll always love.....

you always pull my hair just to pick a fight with me

broke my favourite cd and made me cry

said i can never be a somebody everytime we argue

you're always the voice that say i'll never make it

you were so vein it makes me sick

and yet....

you called me your angel that was sent down from heaven

you held my hand each night just to comfort me

hold me close to your arms that i can hear your heart beats

gave me the strenght that i thought i could never have

telling me to live out my dreams for the best

i learned from you that i could not crumble

i guess what i'm trying to say is..

thanks for everything you've done

it's been so long since you're gone

i never wanted you to leave

i still need you here with me

i've been thinking about the past

and i can't believe that time's flying too fast

you know how i feel when i'm crying alone

you know where to find all my hiding places

i can never keep my secrets away from you

you tought me to stand on my own

you said that i was the diamond in the rough

i miss you, every night i'm thinking of you

the smile on your face that keep me alive

i still shed my tears once in a while

i feel empty and alone, i can't believe you're gone

you're always part of me, the one that sets me free

i know you're in a better place now

but i can still feel you through the wind

when it touches my face it feels like your hand

and you still guide me constantly

the memories come back and i don't mind

i know you are happy where you are now

even though it's not here with me....

by, Shahila Johan

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

i should be writing on.....

everyone has their moment in time where they want it to be remembered forever. i know i have alot personal moment that i would love to write about, the pain i felt, the happiness that was shared, the love that i had. you know what...i wanna write about....

how you feel when the last massage you got from your best friend, before he pass away.

how to be the last person to say goodbye to someone who's already gone.

how you can only think of him and no one else.

how you wish you could turn back time and save the person you love.

how a special someone hugged you so tight you wished he wouldn't let go.

how you caught someone cheating on you after 5 years of relationship.

how letting go of someone you love can be so hard.

how love can be something wonderful.

how you've been wanting that certain someone so bad but you can't because they're happier the way it is.

how a moment of silent can make you realise the truth on something importants that's been missing in your life.

how secretly you have a crush on someone and hoping that he'll be yours.

how some feeling you get when your friend suddenly distant themselves from you.

how some feelings make you wanna just run away but you can't.

how you realise that there's a reason to go on living when times gets hard.

how you smile infront of everyone although you're hurting inside.

how we wish everything would be perfect.

how you have to distant yourselves from someone you would want to love because you don't wanna hurt them.

how life should just go on after a painful event happened that changed your life completely.

how you're hoping to work it out and you know that you can, but you need a hand.

how you promise to make a vow on making yourselves better for the future.

how a new born make you apreciate more on life.

these are the things that i wanna write about....i don't wanna write about how depressed i feel after alot of incident happened in my life. i want to write about the moment that happened in my life that maybe you guys can relate to.
this is LIFE.....

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

where has the music gone?

this is so random but i MISS being in a band, where i got the opportunity to write new music, those lyrics that i usually write right after an incident that happened either it's good or bad. in ASK where i got the chance to express myself through music and not letting people push me around al though i must say some did give me the urge to be better coz they are so much more talented than i am.

majored in classical vocal was the hardest thing i've ever done in my entire life... not that i'm complaining or anything, i loved it. i actually learned so much more ways of singing than those normal pop singers do. i can sing with my head-voice so much easier now. i also managed to belt out some of the songs that i can never do before this.. :D

playing double-bass is the coolest thing i've ever did as well coz a)not many people i know actually play double-bass, for them is soo uncool coz it's not hip! b)got to learn the classical and traditional way of playing it in ASK and c) the only instrument that made me looked smaller coz i was quite big when i was younger.. :P i haven't touched a double bass for 3 years now...i wonder if i can still remember how to play that remarkable instrument...

piano, the least favourite instrument that was forced to learn when i was in ASK as my second instrument because i took voice as my 1st instrument. of coz, i make full use of that learning bit to actually create a silly song which as not a big success since i forgot all the keys and cords.. :P although it's my least favourite instrument right now, but i think i'm gonna start learning it by myself again soon so i can write better music after this. ;)

gamelan, being one of the compulsary subject in ASK made me learn all 8 instruments that's in gamelan which are the bonang, gambang, gendang, kenong, saron pekin, sarong baron, sarong demong and of coz, the ever so famous.....GONG! my favourite in gamelan is the gendang and gong! i can play it everyday!

wayang kulit... no, not the play..but the music behind it, again, one of the compulsary subject in ASK, i play the canang and gedombak most of the time but i also now a little bit on playing the kesi, geduk and GONG! :P the music is all about the rythm and we have to be consistent on playing it. i had fun performing infront of alot of people during our exam.

keroncong, i play the double bass and was forced to sing a keroncong song.. i almost cried when they ask me to sing a traditional song. it was so hard but in the end i still got to play my favourite instrument, the double bass of coz. but through keroncong, i also got the chance to learn how to play the cak, cuk and abit of the chello... although i was so bad in chello, but atleast i made a tune. :P

ghazal,the only course that i don't have the chance to learn to play any of the instrument. was abit disappointed coz i really wanna learn atleast an instrument but in the end, they want me to sing a ghazal song instead. and again, i cried la, i dunno how to sing a traditional song, but i did it anyway.

cak lempong, i still remember the 1st time i played it. it was so freaking awesome. i dunno i can manage to play it. it's a traditional hand percussion but it's like STOMP..so cool!i still have the cak lempong stick, something like a drum stick but it's not. :P

so, those are the things that i know how to play, music is awesome, i wish i can just play all day, but come back to reality, i need to work hard do get to what i can achive. i really wish i can make music as my career but i don't think i'm up to that peer yet. there are more talented people out there that need to be discovered and i wish them all the best.

SHOOT! i think i just had this brilliant plan!!! can be my next project!dunno it will work or not but i think i can pull it off!!! gonna talk to a few people who's good in rythm!!! ahhhhh~ can't wait!!!

cheers
Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com
<3

it's a wrap!!!!

another amazing journey came to an end last week.... i've been with them since January... getting tanned because i have to stay under the sun alot.... :D i used to complain about it alot but now, i miss everything about it...from travelling so far every single day to eating too much to waiting too long..... i have to say.. Shooting a drama can be tiring, irritating, sometimes disappointing but overal.......i love the everything about it.... everyone is so nice to me....the actors are humble and modest.... shooting with Asia Media Center (AMC) has been a great experience for me... i won't trade it for anything else... :D

when i joined them the 1st time..i was really scared that the director's gonna be my worst nightmare..the one that would scream and shout at you all the time and all, but for this production, we changed our director 3 times and all 3 of them are so wonderful to work with. nothing like any other productions at i've worked with before.... neither stage production nor tv production... this might be my best production i've worked with, even the technicians are awesome and helpful. they have indeed teach me alot to be more aware of my surrounding and tabloids.....

my 1st scene with them was in UPM in Serdang....it was so freaking far from where i live but i got through it anyway....sun burnt because of shooting under the sun....thank good-ness none of my scene is being re-shoot at all....meaning the producer liked it..yay!

it's has been a wonderful experience for me being in a supporting role....this is the biggest one ever coz im in for the whole 26 episodes in the drama... i heard that this drama is going to be aired in September in Astro Prima, so let's get our fingers crossed it'll be great!

hahhaaaa~ i didn't mention waht's the title yet huh? it's called Katrina&Kamelia....

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

the end of another special memory....

after 2 and a half months of intensive dancing, singing and acting rehearsal.....the show that i'm drowned to has finally came to an end yesterday... Prom the Musical has really push me to the limit where i know how much i can do in this performing art industry!

it was indeed a special performance for me because i got to know all these talented young new talents who is just waiting to be discovered. every single one of them are so special because they are unique in their own way. they may not be the best singer, dancer or actor but all of them came together and put on a great 6 shows in Pentas 2 in Klpac last week.

meeting them for the 1st time during the 1st rehearsal was fun because most of them are still fresh and you can see that they have the urge to learn new steps. some of them come and go, but most of them who stayed on for this production really did enjoyed themselve... some of them found their new friendship bond from this production and for some, it's their second family!

i indeed had a great time performing with them, i love everyone of them individually. this is the 1st time i got to sing and DANCE alot in a production....i usually sing more than dance but for this one, i surprised myself with all those crazy dancing steps and i managed to make it work!!! :D

it was a great experience working with the production team as well......everyone of us are very much intimate with one another.... we might had a rough time sometimes but in the end everything indeed worked out fine!

being a villian was fun...although it's a tough character but i hope i managed to convinced people that i can be bad too!!! :P

of coz, in many productions before, i just had to be the 1st to start the tears flowing session only this time during my last solo.....hahahaaaa~ it's funny coz because my song, there was a funny bit happened but i can't resist the urge to cry anymore so i cracked my voice during the last song!

to the casts, crews and the audiences.....thank you so much for making Prom the Musical a success because without you, there won't be us, there won't be Prom the Musical and i might never get the change to be the Prom Queen!!! :P

thanks for the memories and the beautiful spirit that everyone shared during our time together!!! hope to see you guys again really soon!!!

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

Prom the Musical live in KLPac..

Host:KLpac & FUSS
Type:Music/Arts - Performance
Date and time: 29th April -3rd May 2009 8.30pm, 2nd and 3rd May 2009 3pm
Location:KLpac, Pentas 2
Street:Jalan Strachan, Sentul Park (Off Jalan Ipoh)

synopsis,

Nine performing arts students are preparing for their senior prom. This is the highly anticipated social event of the year that would mark the end of their college experience and the beginning of the rest of their adult lives. During the preparation of prom, friendships are tested, hard decisions are made. However, they are determined to make this prom a night to remember.

Gary, Leena, Sheila, Karl, Jill, Ming, Jacky, Kim and Liz are seniors at Galaxy International Performing Arts College. Journey with them as they prepare for senior prom, the highlight of their senior year that would mark the end of 3 grueling years at college chasing their dreams and finally making their way into the world. A coming of age story where teenagers battle with choices that impact their futures personally and professionally.

this is gona be the first time i'm palying a really bitchy and confident role....so do come and support...all of the casts are really talented bunch.....

come and join us for a wonderful evening of wonderful songs and dance......

THANK U FOR SUPPORTING MALAYSIAN THEATER!!!

cheers

Shahila Johan http://www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com/

<3

the strenght of smilling...

Wow! It’s amazing how time flies by so fast that I don’t even remember what I did for this past few months, but all I can say is that I did an awesome job of not wasting most of my time, which is good because if not, I’ll be wasting it by lying in my bed all the time and be a couch potato...
In these 3 months alone, I’ve achieved quite a number of achievements...and for once, I’m so proud of myself. I know by making myself busy is the only way to keep myself happy, not to have time to care what others says about me or think negative on other people gives me more (OMG!!) Serenity... OMG!! I guess the tarot card was right!!! Remember back in Christmas last year I said I had this tarot card reading session with my friends and my future was serenity??? Well, little that I know, I’m achieving it already. This is so awesome... I didn’t believe much at first because....we’re the ones that control our future and now, I am controlling to the future that’s the exact same word that the tarot card reads.

I don’t know if anyone notice this, but I’m actually smiling so wide alone at starbucks. I mean, I can’t believe that what I’ve been through early this year have been given me serenity, although it’s not the serenity that I wanted but somehow, it’s the one that I need. And yes, I wouldn’t change it for anything else.

I found out that the more you think about stresses and other peoples (other than your family) problems, you’ll eventually get stressed yourselves and then you would think how wonderful it is if you didn’t know about all this. So, why bother to think about all this problems, get busy and think about how much money you can make and how many new friends that you can meet... the most important thing is, ENJOY your work, have fun with it, think of it as a game and make it more interesting.

One more tips on making me happy..... If you can't make yourself happy...try making someone else happy.... help someone in need...i think by doing that, when someone else is happy, it'll eventually make u feel happy.... am i right? so let's try... :)

cheers
Shahila Johan
<3

so what did u do during earth hour?

so last saturday the whole of Malaysia join force to stop global warming by turning off our lights exactly at 8.30pm for an hour to support the cause named '60 earth hour'. so i was wondering what did you guys do in the dark for that memorable 1 hour? hanging out with family and friends? well....this is my story of what me and a few of my fellow cast mates did during earth hour in the dark.

one of the cast is kind enough to share his house with us to spend the day and because it's by the lake, we can see the whole of Cyberjaya from the balcony.

i brought my video camera to film the whole of Cyberjaya froma bright atmosphere to this pitch black land. the start was really awesome because we filmed everyone wishing 'happy earth hour' and one by one, we blew off our candles. it's so wonderful to see everyone together and spending time with them is just splendid....

so, what we did after that?heheheeee~
we decided to make a documentary on something.....it's so random because we don't know what to do so we had a person to tell us a ghost story and suddenly we heard noises from one room and that's where our rendition of 'homemade ghost-hunting' begins. whoever goes into the room, he'll die.... so eventually..one by one of us die.... a lot of shouting going on in the house to make it sound real... i have to give credits to all of them, they are such great actors even though some of them didn't get the whole idea of the documentary and laugh in the middle of the filming.... but in the end it still turned out great!alot of camera shaking and turned over and i have to admit, some part does looked so real that i freaked myself after watching it.. :P
yay~ we were awesome!!!!

an hour later, the lights are back on and some of them played ps3 while some of us just kept chatting away about random stuff..... honestly, it was a great night and i wouldn't want to do it some other way.

so...since we achived 1 cause....let's start a new one.... 'say NO to plastic bags day'.... or 'STOP child abuse' or 'STOP animal abuse' or even 'HELP the needy day'......hahhahaaa~ i'm just giving random ideas.....

cheers
Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com
<3

60 earth hour... come join...

as many of you know or heard it in the radio or saw it in tv and all, u know that tomorrow, on the 28th of March 2008, there will be a cause called "60 earth hour". i do pledge to tell everyone to join this cause for 1 day only, for an hour, to just turn off your lights at 8.30pm to 9.30pm. i do urge everyone to join in, you can be anywhere and just turn of your lights for an hour, let's save the electricity.

more details below.......
2,848 cities, towns and municipalities in 84 countries have already committed to VOTE EARTH for Earth Hour 2009, as part of the worlds first global election between Earth and global warming.

This year, Earth Hour has been transformed into the world’s first global election, between Earth and global warming. For the first time in history, people of all ages, nationalities, race and background have the opportunity to use their light switch as their vote – Switching off your lights is a vote for Earth, or leaving them on is a vote for global warming. WWF are urging the world to VOTE EARTH and reach the target of 1 billion votes, which will be presented to world leaders at the Global Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen 2009. This meeting will determine official government policies to take action against global warming, which will replace the Kyoto Protocol. It is the chance for the people of the world to make their voice heard.

Earth Hour began in Sydney in 2007, when 2.2 million homes and businesses switched off their lights for one hour. In 2008 the message had grown into a global sustainability movement, with 50 million people switching off their lights. Global landmarks such as the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, Rome’s Colosseum, the Sydney Opera House and the Coca Cola billboard in Times Square all stood in darkness.

In 2009, Earth Hour is being taken to the next level, with the goal of 1 billion people switching off their lights as part of a global vote. Unlike any election in history, it is not about what country you’re from, but instead, what planet you’re from. VOTE EARTH is a global call to action for every individual, every business, and every community. A call to stand up and take control over the future of our planet. Over 74 countries and territories have pledged their support to VOTE EARTH during Earth Hour 2009, and this number is growing everyday.

We all have a vote, and every single vote counts. Together we can take control of the future of our planet, for future generations.

so register yourself and count your vote in this remarkable day at www.earthhour.org/malaysia and be part of it.

we can still have fun in the dark what....don't stay alone...be with your friends, families and everyone....just don't burn yourself with the candles ok? :P

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan@yahoo.com

<3

a new role...a new challenge...

currently i'm rehearsing for a new musical that's gonna be staged end of next month called 'Prom the musical'... no, it's not broadway's 'Prom night the musical'..... this musical is more like highschool musical only it's in college and most of the songs are from random popular music and musicals.... this is the 1st time i've got alot of dancing involved.

the best part of this musical is that, they've casted me as one of the main cast where i have to play a bitchy, snobbish, over confident and arrogant senior name Sheila George. it's kindda ironic that the character's name is almost the same as my real name.hahahhaaaa~

well anyway, the 1st rehearsal was fun and i've got to know alot of talented new bunch and i've learned that most of them are still new and wanna try out in this industry.... i'm glad that they did because i don't wanna see all those talent goes to waste... to see them enjoying themselves is amazing because you know that they love what they do and by this i'm sure most of them are not gonna stop there, i want them to go far, i wanna see them in other productions outside. i know truly, deeply from the bottom of my heart that they WILL go far.

for my character, i've always thought that it would be so easy to play a bitch. i mean, it's easier to play that rather than an innocent little girl right? WRONG! i found out that being mean can be quite hard as well..... i tried analysing the character and tried to related to it but everytime i act it out, it just won't come out. i'll end up saying 'sorry' to that person of compliment them. which they said that my character can never do or else i'm not a bitch. so i try again but everytime we did script reading, i'll ended up crying my eyes out everynight before going to bed because i'm afraid that everyone would think that i'd annoy them. that's what i think anyway. i know it's part of acting, and no one would say anything because it's just acting, but to me, it's more than that, i tried so hard to be mean but i'll end up hurting myself more than i hurt others. i know i can't back away from this production anymore because i'm not a quitter, i've taken the challenge so i'm gonna do what i have to do even though this too hard for me to handle.

my target for this character is that, being a bitch, i hope that atleast some of the audiences can feel the hatred towards me.... to see a random audience staring at me after the show with those hatred eyes, i know that i've actually did it! i want people to hate my character simply because she is the person that everyone would love to hate anyway. some of my friend who saw the script would say that this character is very EVIL, 'such a bitch'....... but when i told them that i'll be playing that role, they'll just laugh at me and say that "it's probably ur eyes la"...... i dunno, but all i know is that i must do my best to make it work.....to make the director proud and my family to love me for who i am.

being in this musical with these talented casts have taught me to have fun while doing my job. laughter and bitching IS the best medication in life. :P to know that they'll be there for u until the very end is good enough, you'll have them to help you when you missed a class or sing wrongly or when you don't have a transport to go for rehearsal. i've found some really good friends that would help me no matter how hard it is and vise-versa la of course. i'm so glad that i've made alot of new friends.......although it's not much and i'm still learning their names, i know we'll eventually will get close before the show. some of us even click with the name 'the subang gang' that always get together to support our lovely cast members, no matter how far it is. :D

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

Bitching...

i know it's unhealthy to bitch about anyone in particular, but the subject often get our attention like kids with candies.... I do try my best to stay away from all this stuff, I even walked off before, when people start bitching about other people... but then again, since I’m always surrounded by them, so I thought, ‘hey, why not right?’ I’ll just listen to whatever they’re bitching about and then we’ll see what happens next la...

Sometimes I found out that bitching is a therapy for stressed person who needs someone to just listen to them. And to have someone to talk to is already a wonderful thing because at least, someone cares.

For me, I think I prefer saying it direct to the person itself although it will affect me later on but at least i know that no rumours or some other funny stories comes out. It has happened so many times. I used to always bitch about people I don’t really fancy to my friends and they would tell everyone else, their version of the story and rumour will start spreading like a dangerous disease. And then you’ll regret it, confront your friend, quarrel a bit, stop talking to them and then lastly... losing your friends. I’ve definitely learned my lessons....heheheeee..

Thinking back, I found out that being in this industry that I’m currently in is really different from before... no one really care about the theatre artists last time, but now, everything we do is being monitored closely whether you like it or not, and we have to behave and know what to say to everyone. A slipped tongue can lead to something else and your whole career can be ruined just like that!

It’s a tricky business but right now, I’m daring myself to the limit and see where I can go, I’m trying to be as high as possible...not because I want the fame or anything, I just want people to know me so that I can actually voice out to the world to help me save the environment and help me to help the needy and the less-fortuned people in the world. Because people tense to only listen to celebrities or their idols....and for now, I’m a nobody who’s trying my best to help others. Of course I’ll start small, from my country and then slowly, the world. I would really love to do that. To get everyone involve in this.

Well....that’s always been my target... to get involved in all this charity and all... to open a food-bank, to open a new organization to help the needy. You get what I mean right? :D

So now what I have to do is.... be the best I can be where ever I am and in whatever I’m doing! need all those blessings i can get now..heheheeee~

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

finding money for a good cause....

i've been thinking alot lately on how i can contribute myself to others who are in needs right now.
i mean, i can't help alot because i'm not THAT financially secure myself but i just wanna help those who are more less-fortunate than me.

of course, i have alot of target on how i can help out and all, and i even have my own 'spare-change-fund' of my own where i always go donate somewhere. so maybe i thought of sharing my 'spare-change-fund' method to everyone so atleast you can contribute it as well... :D
this is what you do... do you always loose you coins everywhere? under the seats of your car, behind the couch, under your bed, on the floor, in your beg or purse or handbegs, in the lawn outside your house or even in the toilet somewhere...heheheee~ you get what i mean right? so why not pick it up and just put it somewhere like a beg and call it the 'spare-change-beg' and the more you collect, you might end up with alot of money in a year already. with that money, what better way than to donate it to some charity for a good cause because for me, it makes me feel complete when i can make somebody (other than myself) happy.
the genuine smile that you get from the peson you've helped is so much more than you can get from anyone else that you know.
use that 'spare-change' and help donate to all the charity you can find while your walking with your friends at a mall or where ever, for earthquake victims, gaza victim funds, our flood funds or even the fund that goes to 'bersama mu' for TV3. it's all for a good cause and i can assure you that you're life will be blessed with all the fine things in life.
so yea..happy hunting for spare-change!hehheeeee~ do it if you really wanna help out!

one more thng, instead of throwing all the old junks that can still be use just because you've got a better ones, why not donate it?there's always a charity drive somewhere near you right? clothes, toys, mattress and everything that's still useful for others. although it's secondhand, but i'm sure that they will appreciate you for helping them.

my target in years to come is that, i'm gonna work hard to find money and open myself a 'food-bank'..... if you dunno what's a 'food-bank', a food-bank is where i rent a hall 3 or more times a week and simply cook for the homeless people. of course it would be wonderful if i have people to help me out too, the ones who would do it for the sake of charity and not for the money and all.
well, that's my own goal-will-turn-reality-soon i hope.hehheee~ will get my fingers crossed all the time for this. do support me if i actually personally ask you to help me with the favour ok?
i promise that everything here is for a good cause.

cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

Blessing....

This few months has been a blessing for me as I did everything that I love and at the same time I got to meet this entire talented bunch of cast members that might be our future artists of tomorrow. I just finished with one production in February and now rehearsing for a new production which going to be staged at the end of April this year. I’m crossing fingers that everything will go well. And currently I’m also doing shooting for a TV drama.

This one goes to everyone that I’ve worked with and currently with. It’s an honour to be here and perform with all you wonderful people and at the same time teaching me to be more patience in everything that I do, for supporting me even though I’m lack of a lot of things in life. To open up my eyes to the real world and the harshness that sometimes being put on. For trusting me on doing the things that I do. For forcing me to don’t give up when I’ve lost my hope in it. For making my day and made me smile when I feel crappy sometimes. For correcting me when I’m wrong. Most of all, thank you so much for being a wonderful friend. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I always think positive in whatever I do so that I can one day touch someone’s life for once and just make them realize that they are not alone and there’s always someone who will support them through whatever you’re going through.

Now this one goes to my family and friends for their unconditionally never-ending love and support that they give to me through out since I was young until now! I am truly blessed with an awesome family who goes with me in this wonderful journey of performing arts and never stop me from doing what I love doing. Mom and Dad for encouraging me to do all his although I lost interest in it some part of my life before. For believing in me to do all the things that I couldn’t imagine myself doing. For spreading my wings so I can fly high above the ground to explore more about myself. For pulling me out of my shell when I have no confidence in everything that I do. Now I can’t stop doing it! For making me realize that I am more than what I am. The love that I have toward all of you is infinity!

Well.. until next time!

Cheers

Shahila Johan www.shahila-johan.blogspot.com

<3

LOVE.....

remember how your friends always ask you what is love and why do you need love? some would say that love sucks....love is everything or even better...love is clueless.... scientifically...i've learned that there's a nerve in your brain that'll active when you're in love...i think that's why you feel so 'madly' in love....

love can also be put in so many different ways...no...i don't mean your 'one and only' true love.....but the love for your family, friends, property, pets and everything that you simply adore.... of course, i'm a human being too.... i always write about love your family and friends and all but right now, i would love to write about my love life for once.... :)

to tell you the truth, these few months has been quite hectic for me that i'm committed with a few production which includes the one that's coming out this week. but at the same time, i have time to spend my time with my friends and from there i got to meet a few more new people that's gonna be part of my life as a friend forever. i don't know if there's such thing as love at first sight but somehow i think i'm feeling it abit and the 1st time i met him, i was indeed very shy (for once).... but we eventually got to know each other quite fast....i'm pleased about that.... :D well who doesn't right?if you like someone, you should atleast put abit of effort in so that the person notice you. so of course that's what i did and true enough he noticed me....noticed me well enough to hold my hand when we walk...i was over my head when he did that but of course i didn't show it.

but then, once we finally got to know each other abit more, i found out that he got a girlfriend that he can't break-up with just because she's a suicidal maniac that can't seem to let him go and would do anything to get him, and he's the type that would blame himself i anything happen to someone who hurt themsleves for him..... do you get i'm saying? so basicaly, i don't wanna be the one to be blame as 'the-one' that makes him break-up with his girlfriend, because i believe in Karma, what goes around comes around.... so if i'm the cause for them to break-up, i'm scared that he would do the same thing to me if he found someone who's so much better than me.

so basically, eventhough i have this strong feelings for him, i know i can't have him just because he can't and won't break-up and that i believe in karma. i know i'm not suppose to play with this thing called LOVE but i can't just ignore and play with this game of 'secret love' forever. i want my LOVE to be perfect, the LOVE that would add to my happiness and not complication and headache like i'm feeling now. just by thinking that, i've absorb negative energy in me.

to tell you the truth, i can't help myself thinking about him although i know it's wrong. i haven't have this feeling for quite some times and for once i thought that he would have been the one, but i guess i was wrong... and then again, life goes on.... the world never stop moving and so should i.....

whatever i'm writting is how i feel.......

If the sun went down tomorrow and it never came back
And the city went quiet and we fade to black
Well I won't have a single regret
And I wouldn't trade a thing
Cause I never knew I could feel what I feel inside of me

I knew all the time I was taking a chance
When I stand there on the edge of the cliff and no one was holding my hand
Well the wind blew strong and the clouds rolled in and I, I felt us lift off the ground
Yes I bared my soul and I dared to go knowing one day you might let me down

I gave you everything but to have said goodbye

Better to have loved than never loved at all
Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall
Better to have loved you and let you in than never to have touched your skin
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried
Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved, better to have loved
You

cheers

Shahila Johan
<3