happy 1st anniversary Riefy!

i have been waiting for this moment to write this entry, for today was the day that i've lost a dear friend. he is the bestfriend that a friend could ever need. the one that would be there when your legs doesn't touched the floor or when everything around you falls apart. he would just lead me to his open arms and hold me tight. that was all i needed...his arms... RIP Riefy.

it's been a year, since i last hear his voice, the laughter that we had.. that was it for me. i don't need to be in love or be someone i'm not around him. i could go with a granny looks and still get his attention.

tonight, i wanted to write a really long post about everything we had since we where a kid but somehow i think it would hurt me more just reminiscing about it. so instead, i'm gonna write things that happened to me after he is gone.

i was in Penang on tour performing when i heard the news, everything starts spinning around that made me dizzy. i can't think. i was so devastated that i wanted to just go back and cry.

i remember him telling me that it's not too late to find love again after my breakup with my boyfriend of 4 year. He was right. lately, someone actually thinks about me, helped me though my hardest times, i felt loved. maybe he's the one that could guide me though on this place called earth. i mean, maybe Riefy has been my guardian angel all this while that's been helping me through out my days now(although i think u came slightly later ek?lol). i've spent all my life waiting for that second chance and it has finally arrive (i hope)... i want it to be the one (Riefy, if u can hear me right now, is he the one?please give me a sign)... i hope he guide me through again...

i don't wanna cry tonight coz i know he wouldn't like it. he would not want me to cry for him.

Dear Riefy,
a year of your absent in my life have made me a more stronger person, independant in everything that i do.
but i'm still lost, lost in this twisted land that can sometimes be so brutal that i wish i was with you right now.
but i can feel your present, i can feel that you're guiding me to where i should be, what i should become, why i should hold on to whatever that i've been doing.

i don't know just where i'm going,
and tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming,
and the air is cold,
i'm not the same anymore.
i've been running in you direction for to long now,
i've lost my own relection,
an i can't look down,
if your not there to catch me when i fall.

all along, all i ever wanted was to be the light,
when your life was daunting,
but i can't see mine,when i feel as though you're pushing me away,
well who's to blame?
are we making the right choices?
cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
as we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay.

and i still cry,
and i might still bleed,
these thorns in my side,
this heart on my sleeve,
and lightning might strike,
this ground at my feet,
and i might still crash,
but i still believe.

that this is the moment i stand here all alone
with everything i have inside, everything i own
i might be afraid, bbut it's my turn to be brave
if this is the last time before we say goodbye
at least it's the 1st day for the rest of my life
i can't be afraid,
cause it's my turn to be brave.

Love you always,
Shahila Johan