just when i thought that everything in me is shattered.....i found out that if i don't think about it and focus on the positive side of life, it will eventually turn around to be better.... :D
what ever happened last week was a mere stupidity that can't be erased from my mind and yet again...it has definately taught me a valuable lesson...never to get easy carried away with all the fun things in life....we must think of our life, future, family and our dignity. so yeah....i'll bare that in mind..
anyway, this week is simply awesome for me because what i've always dreamed of is slowly coming true. i have been waiting for this moment patiently for quite awhile and i think i just might got it anytime soon.
my dream came true is like a baby being given a bubble gum flavoured rainbow lollipop with a pink bow tied on the stick. the happiness that i felt in my heart is like the beat of rhythm speed of 110 on the mixer that's being put on day and night non-stop that would get everyone close annoyed but then again....i wouldn't even care!!! :D
"see the things that you want as already yours. know that they will come to you at need. then let them come. don't fret and worry about them. don't think about your lack of them. think of them as yours, as belonging to you, as already in your possession." Robert Collier
i read about this quote a few years ago in a book that's now my all time favourite... it says that don't stop believing that you can get what you want and in the end you will get it. not saying that just thinking about it you'll get it but think about it and work hard for it..and by that you will not be disappointed with the result like me right now.. i've always wanted to get a bitchy role in any plays or shooting and FINALLY i got i wanted...although it's not like what i've dreamed of, but starting by doing this is god enough for me...and maybe after this, someone might want me to play the lead for bitchy roles. so for now, i'm just gonna.... always look on the bright side of life.
i can't really type as long as i can now because i got my curfew to sleep earlier so i can start my new day in the morning and not miss out on the wonderful morning and thank everything for making my days splendid!!!!
love will lead me home!!!and of course...always smile...it's so much easier than frowning!!! :D
cheers
Shahila Johan
<3
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
drama....
i did something really sinful yesterday. it might not be a big deal to some...or even a proud thing to do for some...but for me...it's just not really a proud thing to do. but then again, i can't turn back time now can i?
think positive Shahila...think positive...that's what i've been telling myself....maybe it'll be better soon. because i can't do this alone, i called up my friend just to tell her my situation and hope that she'll understand but somehow, she just told me that she has to listen to both side of the story since that it has to do with both of her good friends. i don't blame her that she's not with me in this because i understand that she wouldn't want to be in this situation especially from her 2 friends. i'm trying not to think that i'm alone in this and to tell you the truth, i'm scared, terrified more like it...... i'm freaking up that i dunno what to think or even better..i dunno what to do.... i tried confront that person, but that person doesn't have anything to say... maybe it's because i called at the wrong time.
i'm a bit disappointed at myself right now because i know that i can stand it but somehow i drown myself at the deepest bottom of the sea. i tried to swim but somehow there's a rope tied up at my ankle and it was attached to a really big and heavy rock... i was holding a scissors and tried to cut the rope but the rope was to thick that it broke my scissors. i even tried calling for help but i was going deeper and deeper that water filled my lungs and i choked to death. i was trapped. i thought i could let it go but i can't....
i wanna banged my head so hard and just bleed myself to death, but i know that if i do that, that means that i'm one of the stupid person that just wanna run away from my problem and frankly, that's the old me, the new me will try and make everything with a smile on my face. right ow, i just wanna stop thinking about it and do something else....like.... pack my beg because i'll be leaving for Johor for Chinese new year dinner with my family. i should be thinking about my family tonight, for this moment and not some silly mistake that i did yesterday.
i know that my family loves me, and i thought that there'll be someone else who'll love me too, someone special maybe? maybe it's just me...hmmm.....i'm being paranoid right now...hehheeee~ well...i'm trying to make myself feel better. :D whatever it is, i got my family and they got my back, they know me better than i know myself sometimes.
it's kindda like a habit suddenly i wanna write about relationships and stuff..i mean...it's like..i dont have a life anymore.....but i do ok?? i have 3 sets of families who loves and support me, friends who care for me and my kitties to keep me company at night....and yet...i'm still clueless on why i like writting these stuff.....
this lyric i wrote is about something that happened to me in some part of my life...it's called 'wondered'...
I don't know
If it a lie
So many great words
That I've heard from you
But something is missing
Something that completes the puzzle
The mysteries of my life
Why does it always a reason
That makes me wondered
A reason to live
A lie to make me feel better
Makes me feel alive
Although I am dying inside
When everything seems wrong
It's just isn't right for me
Why should I be clueless?
Never know the truth
You think it might hurt me
The pain of lie hurts more, baby
My heart is bleeding
With the blade of lies in time
Killing me inside out
Forever like a moment
A moment is never forever
The wound might heal soon
Dry out without love and emptiness
No sympathy without crimes
Crying out the pain that once gone
Praying for a second chance
Growing make us wise
And as we go our way
Wonder where the road leads us
Shall hold it in our heart
An eye to keep me straight
Guide me to the grace
A heart to keep me going
To the broken road ahead that's gone
And life will be kind
And our soul will find another soul to love
The faith will keep me safe
The truth will never stop us
From knowing what's right
And by learning to love and forgive
But never forget the things we've been through
cheers
Shahila Johan
<3
think positive Shahila...think positive...that's what i've been telling myself....maybe it'll be better soon. because i can't do this alone, i called up my friend just to tell her my situation and hope that she'll understand but somehow, she just told me that she has to listen to both side of the story since that it has to do with both of her good friends. i don't blame her that she's not with me in this because i understand that she wouldn't want to be in this situation especially from her 2 friends. i'm trying not to think that i'm alone in this and to tell you the truth, i'm scared, terrified more like it...... i'm freaking up that i dunno what to think or even better..i dunno what to do.... i tried confront that person, but that person doesn't have anything to say... maybe it's because i called at the wrong time.
i'm a bit disappointed at myself right now because i know that i can stand it but somehow i drown myself at the deepest bottom of the sea. i tried to swim but somehow there's a rope tied up at my ankle and it was attached to a really big and heavy rock... i was holding a scissors and tried to cut the rope but the rope was to thick that it broke my scissors. i even tried calling for help but i was going deeper and deeper that water filled my lungs and i choked to death. i was trapped. i thought i could let it go but i can't....
i wanna banged my head so hard and just bleed myself to death, but i know that if i do that, that means that i'm one of the stupid person that just wanna run away from my problem and frankly, that's the old me, the new me will try and make everything with a smile on my face. right ow, i just wanna stop thinking about it and do something else....like.... pack my beg because i'll be leaving for Johor for Chinese new year dinner with my family. i should be thinking about my family tonight, for this moment and not some silly mistake that i did yesterday.
i know that my family loves me, and i thought that there'll be someone else who'll love me too, someone special maybe? maybe it's just me...hmmm.....i'm being paranoid right now...hehheeee~ well...i'm trying to make myself feel better. :D whatever it is, i got my family and they got my back, they know me better than i know myself sometimes.
it's kindda like a habit suddenly i wanna write about relationships and stuff..i mean...it's like..i dont have a life anymore.....but i do ok?? i have 3 sets of families who loves and support me, friends who care for me and my kitties to keep me company at night....and yet...i'm still clueless on why i like writting these stuff.....
this lyric i wrote is about something that happened to me in some part of my life...it's called 'wondered'...
I don't know
If it a lie
So many great words
That I've heard from you
But something is missing
Something that completes the puzzle
The mysteries of my life
Why does it always a reason
That makes me wondered
A reason to live
A lie to make me feel better
Makes me feel alive
Although I am dying inside
When everything seems wrong
It's just isn't right for me
Why should I be clueless?
Never know the truth
You think it might hurt me
The pain of lie hurts more, baby
My heart is bleeding
With the blade of lies in time
Killing me inside out
Forever like a moment
A moment is never forever
The wound might heal soon
Dry out without love and emptiness
No sympathy without crimes
Crying out the pain that once gone
Praying for a second chance
Growing make us wise
And as we go our way
Wonder where the road leads us
Shall hold it in our heart
An eye to keep me straight
Guide me to the grace
A heart to keep me going
To the broken road ahead that's gone
And life will be kind
And our soul will find another soul to love
The faith will keep me safe
The truth will never stop us
From knowing what's right
And by learning to love and forgive
But never forget the things we've been through
cheers
Shahila Johan
<3
Monday, January 12, 2009
a will to survive....
trying to impress someone can sometime hurt ourselves in the end. why would we want to do that?why do we have to prove something to someone who'll eventually let you down again in the end anyway? and sometimes because of that, you'll stop thinking about what you really are just to impress that certain someone who'll forever have nothing nice to say about you. because of that, it'll bring tears in your eyes, you're mood swing and you feel like everything in your body is being dislocated somehow....
i know it's hard to face it, to have someone to be picked on all the time and being embarrassed infront of alot of people for no apparent reason. but to tell you the truth, they only do it because they really do care about you or they're envy of you. either way, i think we should always put that aside and think of the positive that comes out of it, it'll make you a stronger person than you already are, for you not to make the same mistake, making everyone else noticed you and in many ways, to be better and more cautious in the future. i never seem to fight back when someone picks on me because i know that it can somehow makes me a more cautious person in the future.. just keep a low profile, don't go and attack the person who picks on you, no sweet revenge.... just think of it as a lessons to be learn.. if you fight back, it means that you're making a scene and everyone there won't even know who's right or wrong. they might not even care to listen to the conversation of the 'unsatified-ness' of yours.
put that aside, as an adult, we should know how delicate a child's heart can be... they are young mind them, and we know that because they are kids they tense to believe every word you say regardless how untrue some words might be. because we're adults, we might think that by calling them off straight at their face is the right thing to do but to the kids, they might think other wise and they won't be the same as they used to be. they will be traumatized...although some might disagree with me and think that we should teach the kids how harsh this world might be, i said it's all wrong. because kids can face reality that really age, they wanna have fun and dream and fantisizes to be a superhero or a pirate or anything they can think of. that is their time, let them be what they wanna be and once they get older, they WILL slowly learn the real world that they are facing. if you have somethingto tell them, tell them slowly, indirectly to them....use your psyclogy method to tell them. don't go direct to them and say "hey you, can you stop being a little miss bossy" or anything like that infront of their face... that'll just make they're spirit down. well...all i can say is, treat them well although they are younger than you. you might be the person that's incharge of everything and everyone have to listen to you, but they got their feelings too, so be nice to them once in a while. love the kids as they respect you as an adult and they look up to you no matter how you may be... after all, they are our future.
cheers
Shahila Johan
<3
i know it's hard to face it, to have someone to be picked on all the time and being embarrassed infront of alot of people for no apparent reason. but to tell you the truth, they only do it because they really do care about you or they're envy of you. either way, i think we should always put that aside and think of the positive that comes out of it, it'll make you a stronger person than you already are, for you not to make the same mistake, making everyone else noticed you and in many ways, to be better and more cautious in the future. i never seem to fight back when someone picks on me because i know that it can somehow makes me a more cautious person in the future.. just keep a low profile, don't go and attack the person who picks on you, no sweet revenge.... just think of it as a lessons to be learn.. if you fight back, it means that you're making a scene and everyone there won't even know who's right or wrong. they might not even care to listen to the conversation of the 'unsatified-ness' of yours.
put that aside, as an adult, we should know how delicate a child's heart can be... they are young mind them, and we know that because they are kids they tense to believe every word you say regardless how untrue some words might be. because we're adults, we might think that by calling them off straight at their face is the right thing to do but to the kids, they might think other wise and they won't be the same as they used to be. they will be traumatized...although some might disagree with me and think that we should teach the kids how harsh this world might be, i said it's all wrong. because kids can face reality that really age, they wanna have fun and dream and fantisizes to be a superhero or a pirate or anything they can think of. that is their time, let them be what they wanna be and once they get older, they WILL slowly learn the real world that they are facing. if you have somethingto tell them, tell them slowly, indirectly to them....use your psyclogy method to tell them. don't go direct to them and say "hey you, can you stop being a little miss bossy" or anything like that infront of their face... that'll just make they're spirit down. well...all i can say is, treat them well although they are younger than you. you might be the person that's incharge of everything and everyone have to listen to you, but they got their feelings too, so be nice to them once in a while. love the kids as they respect you as an adult and they look up to you no matter how you may be... after all, they are our future.
cheers
Shahila Johan
<3
Sunday, January 4, 2009
circle of rumours.. :D
ok.....i know that no one can run away from rumours...and let's face it, everywhere you go, there's always rumours... either it's about you or maybe your family or even your close friends... and most of the times, you think that if you don't react to it, it'll go away and stop bothering you anymore... but the fact is, if you somehow defend yourself, others would think that you're afraid because you would jeopardise your life and all but then again, if you don't defend yourself, people would think that those rumours are true and you can never do anything about it anymore.
recently i over heard rumours about everyone that's involves in this production i'm currently in right now...on who's dating whom, who has a crush on whom and all those cute little stuff....most of them are kids so i thought that, it's ok because they're still young and they got so much to learn...and because i'm still fresh with this production, i know i have a lot of catching up to do..... but then a moment ago, i found out that somebody has been spreading rumours about me as well......well duh...of course i was shocked.. i mean, i'm still new with them and my name is already being called out in this 'circle of rumours'.... i was actually pleased at first because they would actually noticed me to talk about me and spread a rumour but then when i heard it myself, it became uncomfortable just because i know i definately didn't do what they've been telling everyone about me, but then again, i have to face it.... that's the life of an entertainer...
the rumours that was spread was actually an old news that i didn't noticed that anyone would actually started it... it's so weird because i know and believe in myself that i wouldn't do such things and i always think before my actions... so odviously i won't go out with anyone until i know that i'm actually know him long enough or comfortable with that person...and also because of that, the person that thought i went out with another person, quit the production i am with because he said that he can't work with me in this production.(sounds familiar?)... (somehow i think it has something to do with me being single right now)..so when someone said that i went out with this person and then at the same time went out with another person, i think it's rather bogus and ridiculously funny... unfortunately, i felt like i'm a whore to do such a thing. i know i shouldn't think of it that way, but i do. i felt that i'm so filthy and cheap, like i don't have my own dignity to stand out for. when i heard it, i just wanted to sit at a corner of some place and just cry my eyes out but i didn't, i don't wanna show my weakness to anyone because if i did, they would know that i'm weak and they would add more to the damaged that was caused. so instead of crying my lungs out or anything, i acted like it's a funny joke/story that was told and laugh it all off... it was painful to begin with but i just had to do it to save my dignity from being torn apart to a million pieces and i think because of that, i would have to be more caution on what's my next move is gonna be... do i go and set things straight like most artist do when they are in this tight situation or just lie back and just pray that this rumour would go away? either way, i don't think that any of my reaction gonna make this rumours go away unless i talk to the person who might or might not set out the rumours. because other people would hear it in a different version of the story, so i just need to find the source that publish the story so i can move on with my life. what ever my next move it, i gotta think carefully not to jeopardise anymore of my life. i know that this things won't go away but i know that somehow, i can be set out straight. well.... somehow...
-_-'''
i guess this is the way to show us how hard it is when you're in show bizz....lots of gossiping going around and that what makes the industry more entertaining...
but to think in a positive way, i'm glad that there's a rumour about me going around, it's just that because of it, i feel like i'm a somebody, not that i'm proud of it, it's just that i'm touched that 'somebody' would use me as a subject to talk about just to amuse others. in a way.... i think that i'm quite famous! :P well...you have to think that way or you would be stress all the time.... like i said it before...i'm gonna say it once again..or in other posts to come.... 'there's always a reason behind all this funny things that happened, it just takes time for it to show itself'.... so i just say.... away with all those bad feelings and let's pull in the good energy and just...move on with my life!yay! love will lead me the right path of my destiny... :P
cheers
Shahila Johan
<3
recently i over heard rumours about everyone that's involves in this production i'm currently in right now...on who's dating whom, who has a crush on whom and all those cute little stuff....most of them are kids so i thought that, it's ok because they're still young and they got so much to learn...and because i'm still fresh with this production, i know i have a lot of catching up to do..... but then a moment ago, i found out that somebody has been spreading rumours about me as well......well duh...of course i was shocked.. i mean, i'm still new with them and my name is already being called out in this 'circle of rumours'.... i was actually pleased at first because they would actually noticed me to talk about me and spread a rumour but then when i heard it myself, it became uncomfortable just because i know i definately didn't do what they've been telling everyone about me, but then again, i have to face it.... that's the life of an entertainer...
the rumours that was spread was actually an old news that i didn't noticed that anyone would actually started it... it's so weird because i know and believe in myself that i wouldn't do such things and i always think before my actions... so odviously i won't go out with anyone until i know that i'm actually know him long enough or comfortable with that person...and also because of that, the person that thought i went out with another person, quit the production i am with because he said that he can't work with me in this production.(sounds familiar?)... (somehow i think it has something to do with me being single right now)..so when someone said that i went out with this person and then at the same time went out with another person, i think it's rather bogus and ridiculously funny... unfortunately, i felt like i'm a whore to do such a thing. i know i shouldn't think of it that way, but i do. i felt that i'm so filthy and cheap, like i don't have my own dignity to stand out for. when i heard it, i just wanted to sit at a corner of some place and just cry my eyes out but i didn't, i don't wanna show my weakness to anyone because if i did, they would know that i'm weak and they would add more to the damaged that was caused. so instead of crying my lungs out or anything, i acted like it's a funny joke/story that was told and laugh it all off... it was painful to begin with but i just had to do it to save my dignity from being torn apart to a million pieces and i think because of that, i would have to be more caution on what's my next move is gonna be... do i go and set things straight like most artist do when they are in this tight situation or just lie back and just pray that this rumour would go away? either way, i don't think that any of my reaction gonna make this rumours go away unless i talk to the person who might or might not set out the rumours. because other people would hear it in a different version of the story, so i just need to find the source that publish the story so i can move on with my life. what ever my next move it, i gotta think carefully not to jeopardise anymore of my life. i know that this things won't go away but i know that somehow, i can be set out straight. well.... somehow...
-_-'''
i guess this is the way to show us how hard it is when you're in show bizz....lots of gossiping going around and that what makes the industry more entertaining...
but to think in a positive way, i'm glad that there's a rumour about me going around, it's just that because of it, i feel like i'm a somebody, not that i'm proud of it, it's just that i'm touched that 'somebody' would use me as a subject to talk about just to amuse others. in a way.... i think that i'm quite famous! :P well...you have to think that way or you would be stress all the time.... like i said it before...i'm gonna say it once again..or in other posts to come.... 'there's always a reason behind all this funny things that happened, it just takes time for it to show itself'.... so i just say.... away with all those bad feelings and let's pull in the good energy and just...move on with my life!yay! love will lead me the right path of my destiny... :P
cheers
Shahila Johan
<3
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