in the loving memory.....

on Friday, 10th October 2008, at 2.40pm, as i was about to get ready to make a sound-check before a full dress rehearsal that's being held in Wawasan Open university for my the show 'Broadway Parodies lagi lah', i got a devestated instant text messege from a friend that's made my heart stopped! for awhile that i feel the world is suddenly spinning so fast that i can't breathe, i dropped everything that i was holding and i suddenly felt lost.....that i don't know what was i doing anymore....i'm lost and trapped, in my own mind.... that just like that, i have officially found out that i've just lost a truest-bestest-loyal-loving friend that i've known forever.

he was Malay-Japanese-Javanise while im the Malay-chinese javanise-dutch....he was born on the same year, same month but not on the same date with me, he was born 5 days after my birth day... and fromt that day on, we do everything together, we talk, laugh, play and even showered together (when we were babies la....)...we even got ourselves sick together so we can skip school together. he is more than a friend to me, he is like a brother, that protected me from bullies (i was a tomboy back then), shelter me from harm, lift me up when i was down and would do anything just to make me smile.... and i promised him that i'd do anything to make him happy... never to see him shed a tear, being with him all the time so he won't be lonely and would even take care of him when he's sick. but now...i still can't believe that he's gone...for good...

'for good'....the song from the musical 'wicked' was our theme song together...he'll always sing Glenda's part and i'm Elphaba.... everytime i hear it now, i can't help myself but to cry alone, because i do really love him, with all my heart, he's the one guy that i'll ever trusted, he is the perfect gentleman, the ideal guy that's every girl's dream..... just spend 5 minutes with him and you'll understand what i mean, his touch is so gentle that it would make your heart sink... he is so loyal and caring that no one can take his place in my heart.

i still can't believe that he left me just like that, without saying goodbye, without letting me tell him how i really feel about him, the feeling that i have will only remain in my heart, for the truth cannot be spoken anymore.

why wasn't i there for him when he was sick??? how can i enjoy my life while he's lying on the hospital bed, coma.... just thinking about me not being there for the last for him is the most sinful thing that anyone has ever committed. i promised him that i'll be there for him no matter what, but i'm on tour for my show and negleted him for a week, and just like that, he's gone from my life forever. i'll never get the chance to see his laugh when he makes his own jokes, i'll never get to take a ride with him anymore and i'll never get the chance to tell him that i love him.

it makes me cry everytime that someone reminds me of him, the song, the shirt, the colors, the food, the drinks, the smile and the laughter. words cannot describe how i feel right now.

but Rieffy bear, i'll never forget you. no matter how hard it has been for us, we've made it through...it's us, only us, we've made our dreams alive. just like the song.... because i knew you, i have been change....for good.....
this is for you...

ELPHABA:
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you -You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
(spoken) For both of us
(sung) Now it's up to you

GLINDA:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let themAnd we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sunLike a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA:
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with meLike a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

GLINDA:
Because I knew you
BOTH:
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA:
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
GLINDA:
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

BOTH:
And none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA (ELPHABA):
Like a comet pulled (Like a ship blown)From orbit as it (Off it's mooring)Passes a sun, like (By a wind off the) A stream that meets (Sea, like a seed) A boulder, half-way (Dropped by a)Through the wood (Bird in the wood)

BOTH:
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

GLINDA:
And because I knew you
ELPHABA:
Because I knew you

BOTH:
Because I knew you
I have been changed.......
for good.

i don't think its proper to put a picture of him because he's a dear friend to me and i want him to rest in peace.... may your soul is blessed.

LOVE,
Shahila Johan
<3