drama....

i did something really sinful yesterday. it might not be a big deal to some...or even a proud thing to do for some...but for me...it's just not really a proud thing to do. but then again, i can't turn back time now can i?

think positive Shahila...think positive...that's what i've been telling myself....maybe it'll be better soon. because i can't do this alone, i called up my friend just to tell her my situation and hope that she'll understand but somehow, she just told me that she has to listen to both side of the story since that it has to do with both of her good friends. i don't blame her that she's not with me in this because i understand that she wouldn't want to be in this situation especially from her 2 friends. i'm trying not to think that i'm alone in this and to tell you the truth, i'm scared, terrified more like it...... i'm freaking up that i dunno what to think or even better..i dunno what to do.... i tried confront that person, but that person doesn't have anything to say... maybe it's because i called at the wrong time.

i'm a bit disappointed at myself right now because i know that i can stand it but somehow i drown myself at the deepest bottom of the sea. i tried to swim but somehow there's a rope tied up at my ankle and it was attached to a really big and heavy rock... i was holding a scissors and tried to cut the rope but the rope was to thick that it broke my scissors. i even tried calling for help but i was going deeper and deeper that water filled my lungs and i choked to death. i was trapped. i thought i could let it go but i can't....

i wanna banged my head so hard and just bleed myself to death, but i know that if i do that, that means that i'm one of the stupid person that just wanna run away from my problem and frankly, that's the old me, the new me will try and make everything with a smile on my face. right ow, i just wanna stop thinking about it and do something else....like.... pack my beg because i'll be leaving for Johor for Chinese new year dinner with my family. i should be thinking about my family tonight, for this moment and not some silly mistake that i did yesterday.

i know that my family loves me, and i thought that there'll be someone else who'll love me too, someone special maybe? maybe it's just me...hmmm.....i'm being paranoid right now...hehheeee~ well...i'm trying to make myself feel better. :D whatever it is, i got my family and they got my back, they know me better than i know myself sometimes.

it's kindda like a habit suddenly i wanna write about relationships and stuff..i mean...it's like..i dont have a life anymore.....but i do ok?? i have 3 sets of families who loves and support me, friends who care for me and my kitties to keep me company at night....and yet...i'm still clueless on why i like writting these stuff.....

this lyric i wrote is about something that happened to me in some part of my life...it's called 'wondered'...

I don't know
If it a lie
So many great words
That I've heard from you
But something is missing
Something that completes the puzzle
The mysteries of my life

Why does it always a reason
That makes me wondered
A reason to live
A lie to make me feel better
Makes me feel alive
Although I am dying inside
When everything seems wrong
It's just isn't right for me
Why should I be clueless?
Never know the truth
You think it might hurt me
The pain of lie hurts more, baby
My heart is bleeding
With the blade of lies in time
Killing me inside out
Forever like a moment
A moment is never forever
The wound might heal soon
Dry out without love and emptiness
No sympathy without crimes
Crying out the pain that once gone
Praying for a second chance
Growing make us wise
And as we go our way
Wonder where the road leads us
Shall hold it in our heart

An eye to keep me straight
Guide me to the grace
A heart to keep me going
To the broken road ahead that's gone
And life will be kind
And our soul will find another soul to love
The faith will keep me safe
The truth will never stop us
From knowing what's right
And by learning to love and forgive
But never forget the things we've been through

cheers

Shahila Johan
<3